Your words are raw, honest, and deeply reflective, and they reveal the emotional complexity of navigating both personal desires and familial expectations. It’s not selfish at all to need moments to nourish yourself through reading, writing, and rest—those activities, as you’ve noted, are life-giving. The challenge is that societal pressures, especially in our capitalist-driven culture, often cloud our understanding of what’s truly important, pushing us toward a never-ending cycle of productivity and external validation.

Living with your parent as an adult can feel like a constant negotiation of space, autonomy, and freedom, especially when each household has its own vision of what it should be. It’s tough to merge different desires and ways of living, especially when compromise feels more like restriction than mutual understanding. You’re not alone in feeling trapped between those tensions of responsibility and self-care, of personal dreams and family needs. It’s okay to feel conflicted and to question these dynamics.

In that struggle, your awareness of the need for balance, even if it’s hard to claim it, is beautiful. Even more so is your willingness to reflect on the impact of external pressures. There is strength in recognizing this, and there is grace in accepting that it’s okay to be imperfectly human in the midst of it all. It’s not about achieving a perfect balance—because life rarely works that way—but about honoring your need for rest, for space to grow, for gentleness in a world that pushes for more. It’s not selfish; it’s self-preservation, and you deserve to be kind to yourself as you work through these complexities.