Scrolling through social media doesn’t feel good anymore, in a beautiful well-arranged city loneliness brings many ugly things. After graduation, friends have left the city so even though I feel terribly bad, there’s no one I can call and invite for a hangout. And for some reason nowadays I have to think a lot before expressing my feelings, so I don’t tell anyone anything.
Evening is approaching after afternoon, for some unknown reason restlessness is increasing. Since last night it has felt like something is missing. Inside, my mind feels empty yet very heavy. It feels like I’m carrying countless burdens of words within me. It seemed like crying would make me feel lighter! The urge to cry is there but no tears are coming. That’s another kind of pain!
I thought of lying down, maybe it’s happening because of lack of sleep! As soon as I closed my eyes it felt like my heart and my brain started talking to each other, on opposite sides. The conversation was somewhat like this –
“What is love?
Love is something entirely creative. Love is freedom. Love is discovering novelty within a person. Love is comfort. Love is tranquility.
Then what is not love?
Dragging in someone else’s example is not love. Showing another’s good qualities to belittle your own person is not love…”
No, I didn’t try to sleep anymore, I just sat still. It had rained a lot, heavy rain… when it rains like this I feel like going home. I feel like eating my mother’s onion fritters and my father’s handmade tea. I feel like arguing with my little sister about which food can be ordered online… and these unfulfilled wishes make my chest heavy, arouse deep pain, make me feel that all the things I’m running alone to achieve, I never really wanted any of them!