Unspoken
It took me a long time to find my voice, to put words to paper, or make words to speech,
It took me a long time, to look up and reply hello” to a friendly face, or say no to anyone,
I was the person who had a lot to say, but couldn’t figure out the words,
I was the person who figured out the words, but couldn’t find the courage
I was the person who found the courage, but always found her a little too late,
It took me a long time to find my courage,
to smile and mean it, to laugh and feel it, to not want to go with the flow, to show my feelings, to let my face be the canvas for the expressions in my head,
I never looked anyone in the eye,
I laughed at jokes that weren’t funny,
I smiled at people I didn’t really like,
told everyone what I thought they needed to hear,
maybe then I’d come off as a little less weird and a little more of everything I’m not, or never wanted to be.
It took me a long time to find my voice,
It took me a long time to speak my truth,
It took me a long time to find my courage,
It took me a long time not care what faceless people thought,
So you can understand how being with people who tell me to keep silent and not speak up, people who liked their coffee with too many sugars, who liked their truths sprinkled with enough sweet lies just so it can go down easier, you can understand don’t you? How keeping quiet can be a problem for me.
Writers commentary
I always found my head a more interesting place to be than reality, I’d credit most of that to the fact that things don’t always make sense up there, and I find the complex nature of things very interesting, and some of that to how easy it is to find the calm within myself, how easy I can slip away from the crowd mentally without inhibitions or help.
I have found that as a result of this unique ability I possess (yes, I think it’s a superpower), one of the greatest challenges I’ve ever had to face, on my journey to becoming all I can be, on evolving and growing into the best version of myself yet, was not finding it as easy to express myself; never being able to find the right words or be as articulate as I’d like with the words I do find (which is also something I ponder cos it seems kinda ironic, having a million things to say and not having the right words to express them).
Learning to better express myself, and speak up, has taken a lot of conscious practice and effort on a regular basis, putting myself out there, starting conversations (or at least I tried a lot to, very awkwardly), and most importantly a lot of self digging and self learning.
I’ve come a long way (with writing being a very refreshing way of expression), I’ve come a great distance and I’m still on my way, and on this, more times than I could ever count, I’ve encountered people who’d rather I shrink, or rather I stay quiet than really say what I’m feeling, and a lot of that came in the form of them implying that expressing my feelings sharing my thoughts is something sort of “unmanly” and it shows my supposed “weakness”. I’ve always found this “bottle it all in,” “get over it”, kinda mentality a bit counter productive to our species generally and individually especially when that would imply being stagnant mentally and emotionally as a people.
A lot of my response to people like that over the years, was usually always silence, and to turn inwards, which was something I made a promise in more recent years to never do. I wrote this piece in protest to people who would prefer my silence over input, or who would rather I bottle it in “like a man”. It could be more refined but it’s honest and it’s me. I hope you like it or on some level can relate with it and with me.