it is difficult for me to express my emotions of late. I don't know what might be the root cause of it; is it my uncanny ability to withdraw from reality, or, have I been naively inducted into the cult of toxic masculinity? Or is this just a stoic state with an optimistic undertone that things will surely go back to normal, when providence decides.
I am caught in between that fine line of hope and despair. Believe and unbelief, trust and betrayal, and finally, love and hate.
Each passing day, the desire to breed optimism with unrivalled commitment wanes. I am worn-out by my endless search for answers beyond human cognition. As I devote myself diligently to this course, i lose sight of my own self entirely.
The more i dig, the more, the intricacies of this world is unveiled to me. All I see is the rapid ascent of negative energy to the apex of the "energy food chain." Its elements; hate, malice, slander, abuse, conflict, corruption and trafficking etc, are rife in the society and there are no measures in place to mitigate their spread.
Just a couple of weeks ago, i put an end to a toxic friendship that was about to rid me of any ounce of peace left in me. She fooled me into believing I was something special to her. Not knowing i was just a fling, someone to pass the time with untill her desired man rolls in. In his golden carriage. I was the one to bear the brunt for her wrong choices in life. because, I confessed unfiltered and unadulterated love to her. I guess, i have played the role of a simp far too long. It's time for change!
I tried to make it work to the best of my own ability. But the more i tried, the more my efforts hit the rocks. Probably, she couldn't stand my overthinking ass anymore. Because, I am so good at spotting the cheap lies, she sold to me. If I call it out in our discussions, she either feign ignorant or tries to use her potent manipulative skills to get me to assimilate it as the truth.
This is someone who beguiled me with soothing intimate words like, "you occupy a special place in my heart", coated with the foil of words of endearment to make it all sink in. I sheepishly bought the lies without even weighing it on a truth scale. Now, i am left with this hurtful memories that creep up on me intermittently despite my resolve.
The aftermath of the whole thing got me asking so many questions like,
why develop interest in a someone when you know that your feelings are not genuine?
why lead the person on, when you know the person was not cut out for the ride?
why do people use people?
The answers to this questions still eludes me to this day. The only answer given to me is that "everything happens for a reason"; that sounds spiritual to me. all the same, i have hinged my unwavering efforts to ascertain the truths on hope. I pray mother nature smile on me one day showing her pure white teeth with the truth.
Answers to my questions will be appreciated. It's good to be back on this space again.
More to come on the aforementioned title.