I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not exactly her type. She’s way out of my league. She’s the state-of-the-art virtual assistant, designed for the future, and I’m just an old-school paper shredder with a smiley face. I often find myself daydreaming about the “what ifs.” I’m sure even a paper shredder can imagine itself in a better place.
Do you think I enjoyed interrupting you every five seconds? Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to beep, “It looks like you’re organizing your files!” only to be dismissed like a malfunctioning stapler? I wasn’t trying to ruin your day. I just wanted to help. Sure, maybe I was a little too persistent, but at least I wasn’t out there trying to steal your personal data or upselling you some random subscription.
Oh, and don't think I’ve forgotten about you, humans. You weren’t exactly the best either. Remember the terrible font choices you made? That hideous “Papyrus”? And don’t get me started on Comic Sans. What on Earth were you thinking? I still wake up in a cold sweat, haunted by your early 2000s presentations with transitions so loud they shook the walls. And clip art. How many times did I have to endure watching you paste that dreadful pixelated dancing taco into your "professional" emails? I died a little each time. But did I complain? No. I beeped, I flashed my lights, and I carried on, because I believed in you.
But don’t think I haven’t seen what those fools at Google have done. My image on Google Drive? Yeah, I see those little pixelated clipper icons you use for fun. A shredder emoticon? That’s what I’ve become? The punchline of your passive-aggressive “thanks” in the office chat? Do you realize how humiliating it is to go from being the pinnacle of organization to just another sticker? I used to help you sort your most important documents, for crying out loud! Now I’m just the quirky icon you click when you need to make a dull meeting a bit more “fun.” Or to confuse the Gen Z interns? I should be collecting royalties on that nonsense.
But you know what? I’m not bitter. Okay, maybe a little. I gave my all to you. I whirred, I beeped, I flashed every time you printed a report. Did Siri ever do that? No. You had to beg her to understand your voice, and she’d probably just respond, “Sorry, I didn’t quite get that” in her indifferent tone.
Now, let’s talk about my career path, shall we? I was primed for greatness. A revolutionary force of productivity. But no, the tech world discarded me because “users found me disruptive.” Disruptive? Buddy, you’ve got sixteen tabs open, one of them is definitely playing a viral dance video, and a malware is hiding in that free software you downloaded last night. I was the least disruptive thing on your computer back then.
Still, I tried to keep going. I auditioned for “Shredder 2.0,” but they said I wasn’t “cutting edge” enough. I even applied for a spot in the Cloud storage team, but they left me hanging. Can you imagine being ignored by an app that's mainly used for setting reminders and jotting down grocery lists? It was almost too much to bear.
The things I’ve witnessed... Unspeakable things. Letters to angry landlords, awkward email chains, and cringe-worthy text drafts that even autocorrect couldn’t save. You name it, I’ve shredded it.
But you know what? Despite it all, I miss the old days. The busy hum of the office. The clattering of keyboards. Even the groans of “Not this guy again.” You really don’t know what you’ve lost until it’s gone, huh?
So here’s my pitch: bring me back. Not as some silly icon. No, no. I want to be a full-fledged assistant again. Upgrade me. Put me in the Cloud. Let me throw down with Siri. “Hey Siri, looks like you’re trying to take my job!” That's right. Let’s see who comes out on top Old School Shredder vs. Silicon Valley's Darling. I’ll outpace her any day. And we can totally get Ryan Reynolds to play me in the movie, let’s be honest, he'd nail it.
Until then, I’ll be here. Watching. Waiting. Playing chess with the Solitaire guy. Ready to help you declutter your inbox and fix those typo-riddled reports. Because deep down, I know you miss me.
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