This is a fiction story
Just.
Loneliness magnified by the trespassing of this blue sea I find before me.
I turn quickly to find myself again sea, only sea.
I look left and right and it's all blue.
Interminable and careless this sea has become my only friend.
A landmark that has not been a landmark since 6 days ago I decided to sail alone with my sailboat.
There are 90 days' supplies in the galley.
Clothes and supplies to withstand the cold and rain. Rescue units and all the necessary equipment to orient myself and ask for help.
And yet when I left I told myself that if I couldn't make it back I would still be happy.
When you leave nothing behind, it is easier to accept the idea of never coming back.
Things don't always turn out the way they were supposed to.
For a number of reasons I no longer had anything to keep me grounded on the mainland.
My heart was beating in my chest but no longer beating for anyone. I doubt if anyone's heart was beating for me anymore.
Mobile phone notifications were getting rarer and rarer.
Friendships scattered like a raft in the open ocean after a storm.
Work gave me an income but no emotion.
Emotions were there but they were darker and darker and creepier.
On the other hand, I continued to exist even if more and more aridly, more and more in solitude.
So, off you go. I left moored my sailboat. The only thing I'd ever saved any money for over the years... The only thing that really made my heart beat.
It wasn't easy to decide. Not for the usual reasons you would think, but for reasons of a much more personal nature.
On that boat, when I was a young man, I'd arranged some nice trips with friends. We always had a lot of fun, philosophizing with the wind in our hair, drinking good wine and dining with freshly caught fish.
I called it "Life". A trivial name, or perhaps only essential. It meant life to me and she was life to me.
Beautiful memories with friends and how she allowed me to tow that boat.
Try telling a girl you just met that you will pick her up tomorrow and then give her a weekend at sea on your sailboat.
She will be yours before you even get on that boat.
Guaranteed.
I loved a woman like I've never loved anyone. For years. It was a complex love. Made of daily life and a thousand misunderstandings. So many fights and so many reconciliations.
We lived together.
We used to discuss who, how and when to clean the windows of the house or empty the trash bucket, what detergent to buy or what time to come home and sit down for dinner.
It was a constant argument about who was right.
And yet we loved each other madly.
We traveled a lot. We planned a lot. We lived on ups and downs, but mostly normal things and believe me that's what makes the difference in the long run in a couple.
She was extraordinary and different from me.
I was ordinary and different from her.
I wondered what she was doing with me sometimes.
When I met her, she was seasick.
What a shock that was for me.
Me getting laid on my life, I couldn't pull the rabbit out of my hat.
And yet I don't know how he got her on board.
She often felt sick the first few times and yet she trusted me so much that she kept coming back to my boat.
The seasickness passed and she became the captain in sin in "Life".
We spent unforgettable moments on that boat. Whenever we could, we'd meet at the marina to set sail for even a few hours.
I experienced the concept of "Happy Oasis" on my skin. She made that boat a happy oasis.
Now she's gone and that boat has become a symbol of something that no longer exists for me.
I know you must be thinking of a sob story behind her loss.
Will she be dead? An accident? An illness?
Nothing so extraordinary.
The ups and downs have become constant with some treble.
The arguments became fights.
The anger misunderstandings.
And so all those wonderful years turned to dust.
I don't know how you feel today, where you live, who you live with, what you do.
We've moved on and never looked for each other again. I haven't forgotten you, though.
I humbly put myself aside and tried to move on.
The work I already hated became unbearable.
Many mutual friends preferred not to meet me anymore. It would never be the same again.
Our maremmano Charlie we gave him to a kennel by mutual agreement.
We sold the house we bought.
The children we never had were filed away.
The Conad, Carreffour and Ikea cards we threw away.
There's nothing left of us.
The idea was to move on and live a second life.
I couldn't do it.
That's why six years after that separation, I decided to set sail.
Alone.
More alone than ever.
Will Life help me to live again? Or maybe it'll just be the last thing I see before I close my eyes.
I don't know.
All I know is there's a vast liquid expanse of blue all around me. Over my head still blue. My eyes have been blue since birth. Everything around me is blue.
I'm in heaven maybe. I don't know. I just know there's peace here. What if death gives me that feeling back for eternity?
I'd like to embrace it. But who would guarantee it?
She's gone, and I've disappeared with her, or what I thought I was.
Loneliness doesn't suit me, and yet I feel so comfortable alone here at the centre of the world.
I lied.
To you and especially to myself.
It's not true that everywhere I look I see blue, I see the sea.
For six days I've seen you everywhere I look.
I see you on the stern and the bow with your raybans, letting the wind pamper you.
I see you with one bent leg and one stretched out while you sunbathe on your orange mat.
I see you preparing the table where we were going to serve dinner.
I see you handling the rudder while I teach you the tricks of the trade.
I see her hugging me from behind while I firmly rest my hands on the rudder as we set sail to our usual little island.
I see her with sadness in her eyes every time we return to the marina.
I see her.
Just her.
And I don't want to think about her anymore.
I've failed. I'm a failure.
The anchor is here beside me.
I'm at sea. I tied a sailor's knot.
Around my neck.
Goodbye "Life". You're not the same witho
