Some days the body speaks slowly
There are days when I open my eyes in the morning and realise, 'Today I have to live a little differently.' The body then becomes its own. It does not want to accept what I want. A strange pressure builds up inside the stomach. It feels like someone is slowly putting something together, but that putting together is not at all peaceful.
These days, walking also feels different. My legs are heavy. My waist is tight. And somewhere in my chest there is a feeling of annoyance. The pain is not always severe. Sometimes it is just a discomfort. Sometimes it is like the body is saying— “Stop for a while today.”But where is the opportunity to stop? The day never stops. Time moves on its own. During these days, even my head is not right. My thoughts are chaotic.
I get upset at the slightest word, and I get angry for no reason. I feel very strange to myself then. It feels like I am not me. I am just someone sitting inside my body. The most difficult thing is— even at this time, I have to continue to act normal. I have to keep smiling; I have to work; I have to maintain this pretence that everything is fine. No one sees.
How much energy is being spent behind this smile? These days are very quiet. I don't make any noise. But inside, I talk a lot.My back hurts a little more; I feel a tension around my stomach. And my body seems to be tired all the time. Even when I sleep, I don't get any relief. Even when I'm awake, I have no peace. At this time, the mind becomes very soft. A little negligence makes my eyes water. A little harsh words make my chest feel heavy. It seems if someone had just said, “You have to walk slowly today,” Then maybe it would have felt a lot lighter.
But usually no one says it. Because this pain cannot be understood from the outside. It does not need any bandage, It does not need any words. Many people think, This is normal. Yes, normal. But does 'regular' mean 'easy'? When it comes again and again, These days create a silent war with the body. And in that war we are alone. At this time, I get angry with my own body. I think, Why do you stop me like this? Why can’t I be the same as before even if I want to?
And after a while I understand myself. The body is not the enemy. It is only speaking in its own language. These days teach me— not all days have to be the same. You don't have to be tough all the time. Sometimes being soft to yourself is the greatest strength. During this time, I take a little more care of myself. I work less, I drink tea a little slower, and I listen to my body. I don't blame myself for not being able to do everything.
Because these days are not for being perfect, but for surviving. After a few days, the body becomes lighter again. The mind feels clear. It feels like I'm back again. But before leaving, these days remind us of one thing— not all pain is meant to be shown; some pain is just meant to be understood. And for those who understand, these silent days are the most real.
