The man who changed my life, but not for the better. There are some writings that make my hands tremble when I sit down to write them.
Because not only memories but also broken trusts are hidden there. This writing is exactly like that.
I wanted to write a letter about you that would only contain good things. I wanted to write—how you made my life beautiful. I wanted to highlight your good sides—your care, the feeling of being by your side, the peace I felt when I was close to you.
I wanted to write—when you hugged me, everything suddenly stopped. The world around me no longer seemed important. It felt like no matter how wrong I was, I was safe in your arms. Those moments seemed so real that I didn't want to understand anything else.
I thought—maybe this feeling is love.
I wanted to write—how many times you made me feel loved. How many times you made me feel special. I wanted to write—I believed everything you said with my eyes. I believed it with my heart, without any questions.
Even today, sometimes I wish—if every lie you told was true. Because the most painful thing is to realize this truth— The ones I thought were true might be lies.
I was told one day—
“Write a letter about the person who changed your life.”
After much thought, I chose you. Because you really changed my life. The only problem is—not all changes are good. I wanted to write—you made me a better person. But the truth is, our story didn’t end that way. If I wanted to, I could write—how much stronger I have become since meeting you. I could write—the more wrong paths you have taken, the more I have pulled myself back to the right path.
I could write—what you call love is what later made me understand— What real love really shouldn’t be. Because of you, I started to be afraid to trust people. I used to look for faults in everyone. Even if I saw something good, I would doubt it. Because I felt that nothing good could happen again.
For almost three years, I lived with uncertainty within myself. I gave more importance to your words than my own opinions. I knew what I wanted, but I kept asking you again and again.
Maybe I hoped inside— One day you would say exactly what I knew in my heart.
For these three years, I was pretending to be someone I was not. Because my real self—was never enough for you. I kept my words to myself. I thought—everything would be fine if I remained silent. Because you were my safest place at that time. But with time, I realized— No effort of mine was enough for you.
If I wanted, I could write—How much I have changed today. My heart rhythm has changed.
The smile on my face today is no longer an act—it's real. Today I am so strong that I will not let anyone break me again. I could write if I wanted to—I now have the courage to be myself. I know who I am, what I want to be. Today I am confident in my identity.
But I don't want to write that. Because you didn't help me get to this place. I created this strength myself. And I don't want to give you that credit. To be the person I am today— I had to forget a lot of anger, a lot of hatred, a lot of pride inside me. You are not a part of that. You showed me a life that I didn't want. And the only reason I am where I am today is— I chose the right path myself.
I wrote about you because you changed my life.
But not in a good way.
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