Dad left me and he left. There was no time to say goodbye. He said he would take me to my grandmother's house and we would go by train. I like granny more than grandmother but it's better than staying at home. My mother isn't an easy person to be with as dad says. I don't know what he means by that or perhaps I do since I spend more time with her than he does. Dad leaves every day and comes back home later. At least I think he arrives home. I am not sure, can't be sure because I have to go to bed early and it doesn't matter if it's Summer or Winter. I know other children are allowed to play outside, I know at times it's only 5 pm but my mother's will is the law.
The train station isn't nearby our house and my mother drove us to another place. Dad and I left by train and she didn't wait. She didn't hug or kiss me goodbye and didn't tell me to behave. Perhaps she doesn't care if I give her mother a bad time. She doesn't like her mother, doesn't like me. I wonder what she's doing while I'm away. I think she will be happy without me. No child she needs to care about, think about, spend money on or can yell at. She can't hit me if I'm with grandmother but perhaps she doesn't feel the need to do so if I'm away. She says I'm a pain in the arse and more ugly words I will not write down here because it's not allowed to say them. If my mother hears me she will wash my mouth with soap. Grandmother won't do that but she'll say it's not allowed and to my mother she. Do not curse. i never curse or yell because it's pointless. If I am hurt or thrown down the stairs and am in pain I do not make a noise. Crying won't help, it solves nothing and it hurts my face, makes the pain worse. It's better to keep my mouth shut and if I can I shut my ears too.
Dad doesn't say anything to me. It's hard to tell if he's unhappy, sad or angry. I think he isn't in the mood to talk to me and I'm fine with that. We never chit chat anyway. I look out of the window and try not to feel nauseous. I can feel there's something wrong and driving backwards on the train makes me feel sick too. It's more hilly where grandmother lives. Once I lived here too but we moved. We moved because of dad. Dat wanted to go back to school. Now I understand why he isn't home if that is true. With my parents, you never know if what they say is true. I thought dad loved me and I'm his little girl but I'm not so sure anymore. Het never hugs me or tells me he loves me. Before I go to bed I give him a kiss and he keeps watching the telly or is in that room and doesn't want me to disturb him.
It's not that I can hear him breathe or so if I'm in my bed next to that little room but I can hear him if he talks and he hears me too. Sometimes he shouts I have to be quiet because he needs to think. I don't make noise, I don't dare to. My parents are very strict. I'm afraid to do something wrong and once in bed, my only concern is I need to pee or my mother will enter the room and drags me out of bed because she's angry again.
At my grandmother's house, I'm alone too.
She never wakes me up because I always wake up early. If I go downstairs she's in the kitchen and we have breakfast in silence. She never speaks about my parents or knows when they will pick me up. Grandmother lives her life alone now grandfather is dead and she allows me to stay. That's it. She doesn't make my life miserable, doesn't tell stories but gives me candy if I'm in bed after she asked me to pray and if I brushed my teeth. I say a prayer but I feel nothing. I don't ask for anything because God doesn't hear me. He has no time to listen to children. I guess he is busy or thinks it's fine my mother beats me up. If it wouldn't be okay he would have changed it but he did not. So it's better to be with my grandmother who never asks me how I'm doing at home or at school but if I show her my school report she gives me some money. It doesn't matter to her if I have an A or C or F. First I thought grandmother can not write but she can. I once saw her doing it but she doesn't write me letters like granny did.
I have a suitcase with me and like always dad carried it upstairs.
Grandmother asked him to stay and drink a cup of tea but he refused. A quick look at me and that was all before he left. Grandmother lives nearby the station and I wanted to come along but he said I would be fine, I should stay. One day he would come back to pick me up and go back home. I nodded but didn't know what to think or say. When exactly is one day? I'm not sure if I want to go back home but what if grandmother doesn't want me or dies too?
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