My mother paints the walls. Just those in the hallways. We have wallpaper in the living. It feels soft like cloth. The other rooms have wallpaper too. For some reason, she's painting the walls of the hallways downstairs and on the two other floors. The dark green is nice but the blue and other colour. I think she was mixing the colours by herself. I don't know what to say but she knows what I think. She says she can read my face. Reading my face is a good reason for her to beat me up.
Perhaps she lost her job and she spends more time at home now? I don't hope so. I was glad I was at school for some hours. Now I didn't have to see the mess at home.
Friday
January 21, 2021
I cannot help I feel sad at times or most of the time. I don't know if there's a good reason to feel how I feel. Perhaps I am not a happy person. Not everyone is born happy, lives in a happy family. I have no friends and my family doesn't like me. I don't think the teachers do and other people. Everyone here is white except me and my dad. I am a mixture and people don't like that. Some say I am a gipsy but the gipsies look different from me. Totally different. My mother and her mother don't like me either. I have an ugly face my mother says. I don't think she likes to have a black child. If she was married to Hans I wouldn't be black but white. White with blond hair. She liked Hans but Hans is German and my granddad did not want her to be married to a German. I think that's why she married my dad to make my grandpa angry but grandpa is dead. He knew what she did and can no longer help her. He cannot give her money perhaps my grandmother does now.
Tuesday
January 24, 2021
Have you ever counted the times you wipe a door or the other things you clean? My mother does. The doorway needs to be wiped out a total of 45 times. Each doorway. We have 16 doors. The doors need to wiped and many things more. It's all in my mother's head how many times you need to wipe things clean, how many buckets of water, how much time you need to clean a room, the hallway, living, toilet, kitchen...
A bedroom takes 1.5 hours. If you do it faster she says it's dirty and you can do it again. No one can do it better than she. It's in her head and the booklet the one she wrote for the housekeeper.
It's in her head and now it's in mine too. I always hear her voice...one, two, three, up, four, five, down, six, seven, eight, and up, nine, ten, eleven, at the top, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, at the side, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen...
Thursday
January 26, 2021
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