And here I am again - another dish from the world of the rich. If you didn't get the hint from my previous posts, my goal is not to ridicule tourist attractions (well, maybe a little), but to show you around them with the right amount of humor. After all, there's a grain of truth in every joke, right?
Today, I'm going to introduce you to another Dutch castle, which I personally, from everything I've learned, call "The Lizard Castle". Why? Well, you know how some lizards can regenerate their tails after you rip them off? Yeah, just like when we were kids, when we were all little biologists with a slight sadistic bent. And just like those lizards, this castle has "regenerated" many times over the centuries. Not per se, of course - we're not in "Harry Potter" - but still.
Exactly! I'd almost forgotten about "Spiderman". Well, not quite, but there has to be some superhero references, right, haha? So, if we've got a spider-man, why not a lizard-man? Just like that scientist from "Spiderman" who regenerated his limbs, this castle "gets" its towers and walls back every time history decides to take them away. Sort of - if archaeologists dig up more documents one day, it may turn out that the medieval equivalent of Doctor Curtis Connors lived here. Except instead of experimenting with DNA, sir Andre was just collecting swords and knightly armor to recreate the "epic" lives of his ancestors.
"And of course, as tradition dictates, the castle is in the middle of nowhere. What do you need castles for in cities when you already have churches, haha? For centuries it's all been something different - a military fortress, a palace, the home of an obsessed aristocrat, and at one point just ruins, because why not? If history is to be believed, its first "tail-ripping" happened sometime in the 12th century when it was just some tower. Then, over time, things escalated - additional towers, fortifications, a moat with water appeared, because if there's no moat, it can't be called a "real" castle, can it? Then, as is usually the case, some noble decided that it needed to get more luxurious, that wars are exhausting and life is short. But before they could even arrange their furniture properly, a few centuries later the French came and burned everything down. Classic.
This castle, however, is one idea different. First - it wasn't owned by yet another bored baron who didn't know what to do with his money. No, this castle fell into the hands of a man with... um, let's call it "very specific interests". I'm talking about Andre - politician, rich guy and self-proclaimed chivalry enthusiast. Once he saw the castle in a picture, he realized it was real and said to himself, "I want it and I'm going to have it." And voilà - after a brief shuffle of money purses, he was now the proud owner of a fortification that would serve no useful purpose except personal satisfaction.
And we're not talking mild obsession here, but full-on medieval obsession. The man didn't just move in, he turned the whole place into a museum of chivalry - tapestries, swords, armour, portraits of great warriors (and of himself, naturally, because egos must be maintained). Every room was like a scene from "Game of Thrones", only without the betrayals (or so we hope). Also, to leave no doubt who lived here, he made sure to have portraits of all the castle's owners - like an old-fashioned Instagram, but with oil paints and no filters.
Of course, all this medieval charm goes hand in hand with certain risks. For example, if you've ever stubbed your little toe on the edge of a table, imagine what it's like to live in a castle where almost every piece of furniture has some sort of sharp element. Now add to the picture three small children running around hanging swords and knightly armor. Yes, that's right - because nothing says "safety" more than medieval weapons within arm's reach of hyperactive heirs.
If you think people today are bad with credit, imagine the 16th century when some nobleman was so strapped for cash that he decided to mortgage his castle... to a goldsmith. Yeah, not a bank, a goldsmith. It's not clear what the interest rate was at the time, but the goldsmith certainly wasn't losing money. Interestingly, despite all these deals and bets, no one thought to put a little luxury in the toilet. Oh wait, what toilet? If you think public toilets in some places today are a tragedy, imagine what it was like here a few hundred years ago. I have a feeling that if you try "letting go", Mr. Bean aka Johnny English would poke his head out of the hole in the wood. Scary.
But let's not forget the female presence in this whole story. Because while the men were getting carried away with swords, armour and the hierarchy of the knightly orders, their wives were looking at how to bring a bit of class and grace to this stone haven. In this case, Andre's wife was keen on Chinese porcelain. But we're not talking plain tea sets, but ceilings lined with plates, vases on shelves and all manner of porcelain artwork.
But the funny thing is that today, all this medieval revival vibe attracts all sorts of LARP-ers. Knight tournaments, medieval battles, people in heavy armor wielding swords... like a scene from "The Lord of the Rings", only with more GoPro cameras. It's fun - at least until someone gets hurt.
And now that I think about it... if I stare long enough into one of the portrait halls, will some medieval Lizardman suddenly pop out, hidden between the coats of arms? I don't know, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility, especially after seeing what the toilet look like here.
🎟️ Ticket Prices:
Adults€13,00
Children 4 to 12 years €8,00
Museumcard / ICOM-card free
🌐 Website:
Kasteel Heeswijk
suffer from the past, to long for the future, but to forget the present.
Any unsourced images and writing are my own. Life is worth it! Video edited with CapCut.
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