To be delighted by another person, or moved by a landscape or a work of art, requires not being in full control.
-Meditations for Mortals | Oliver Burkeman
I have always struggled with control. But don’t we all? Because our sense of control is directly tied to our sense of certainty. And who wants to be uncertain? We want to be sure about a lot of things, especially when it comes to our lives.
We want to know (for sure) if our money is enough. If we don’t have this worry, then it is because we are certain we have enough. We want to know (for sure) if our time is enough. If our efforts are enough. If other people like us enough. If we are good enough.
If we are enough.
To have certainty over these things means we can relinquish our worries about them. And until we can become certain, we do all sorts of things trying to control the outcomes, the situations, and even other people.
But just as the above quote says (it’s from a book I read a few months back), to be moved and be delighted by other people or a work of art means we have to let go of full control.
A Moment in a Museum
So now I’m going to share about my last day in Auckland, where I allowed myself to let go of full control, and how I found delight in it. After seeing the Sky Tower and the St Matthew-in-the-City Church, I let my friend take me to wherever she wanted us to go. I had no idea where we were headed. I was already quite satisfied that I was walking around Auckland. The entire city was a tourist attraction for me already. Turns out, she was taking me to the Auckland Art Gallery. She told me it was free, and that was all I needed to know. We climbed up a short hill to get to the museum. It was a massive building. I now know that it is the largest art institution in New Zealand.
Again, I let my friend lead the way. We entered a section of the museum and the first things I saw were sculptures. I’m not really an art expert, so I don’t know what I was supposed to look for. I just let the experience of seeing the sculptures be enough. And then I saw the paintings. I thought they weren’t that magnificent. But what made everything work was the collection of the artworks. Everything was just nicely put together. I could imagine sitting in one small gallery and studying each piece of art and trying to figure out the reasons for the curator’s choices to put them together. We moved on to another section. There was a hallway of paintings and some unique pieces, like a hanger with a strip light attached to it and a hanging yellow plastic chain.
Since we had no itinerary, I had no worries about time. I didn’t even think about worrying if we could see everything in the museum. Looking back, I think we only saw a fraction of the museum. If I was the one planning that trip, I would have spent considerable time planning the entire day to see every inch and corner of the museum. Maybe I would have ‘seen the museum’ more if I did that, but honestly, it is so much better to talk about a visit as a serendipitous and spontaneous excursion rather than a meticulously planned and rigid activity.
The timestamps on my photos tell me that we were only in the museum for less than 20 minutes. If ever I get the chance to go back to Auckland, I will definitely make sure to spend more time in that museum. But again, what made that trip so special was that it was fleeting. We were there and then we were gone.
Some Peace in Albert Park
After a few minutes of walking, we found ourselves in a park in the middle of the city. I’ve been to the parks in Rotorua before, and I thought they were only possible because Rotorua was a small and quiet city. So when I saw Albert Park in Auckland, I was surprised. How could this place be in the middle of the city? How could this beautiful, peaceful, and green place exist and keep existing in the middle of a city that puts so much value on space? Mind you, I haven’t been to Singapore before this trip, so I had no idea how capable a country could be in creating parks like this. We spent a few minutes sitting on the bench, enjoying the view of the deep green grass and the colorful flowers. Sitting there, I realized that if a city as busy as Auckland could afford to give up space for stillness, perhaps I could afford to give up a little certainty for peace.
Auckland is a major university city in New Zealand. And I saw it for myself when we came across the campus residences and the university buildings when we continued our tour of the city. I was at a point in my life when I was thinking about getting a PhD. I just recently finished my master’s and I was quite sure that I would continue my graduate studies. I was considering what my life could be like if I was studying in a different country. Maybe in New Zealand at The University of Auckland. I had no idea then that I would end up in Singapore a few years later doing my PhD. Maybe I would still get the chance to visit New Zealand. Maybe I would still get the chance to set foot in The University of Auckland. As much as I want to take control of the situation, I know that there is a choice to let go and let things happen. To be delighted by experiences without having to fully plan them. Looking back from my life now in Singapore, I realize that the version of me in Albert Park was so worried about securing a future that ended up happening anyway, just differently than I’d imagined. It was a lesson in letting go that I’m still learning.
See You Again, Auckland
It was getting quite late in the afternoon when my friend suggested we go back for dinner. It was a bit of struggle to find our way around the city, but even this minor struggle felt different that day. Usually, a wrong turn or a missed stop would feel like a loss of control, a crack in the certainty of the itinerary. But that afternoon, the uncertainty was just part of the experience. The bus eventually came, the restaurant was found, and the meal was hearty. Everything worked out without me having to exert control over it. I got to savor my last day in New Zealand and for a few hours that day, I had no questions about whether money was enough, whether time was enough, or if I was doing enough. I was just there to be delighted by the moment.
Good bye Auckland, see you again.