I had to laugh out loud the other day when I heard the story of U.S. Representative-elect George Santos.
Reporters started researching into some employment history he had to publish before the elections that that turned out to be false. So reporters decided to dig a little deeper but this time into his religious claims.
Santos had his religion down as Jewish on his website but when reporters started sniffing around into his Jewish heritage, there was no record of any of his Jewish heritage such as when he had his Bar Mitzvah. Santos has on his webpage that "his mother was Jewish and that his grandparents escaped the Nazis during World War Two."
Reporters from the New York post found evidence that he regularly attended Christian ceremonies so they put it to him.
And this is what he said:
"I am Catholic. Because I learned my maternal family had a Jewish background, I said I was 'Jew-ish',"."
So he was Jew---- ish. Hahahahahahaah. Amazing. A lil bit Jew and a lil bit something else. What a politician, America's future is safe!
So our friend was caught out in a lie and tried to explain his way out of it which I don't think worked so great but I have to admit I do the same. Now not big lies like pretending I'm a little bit Jew. Smaller little white lies to make life smoother. However one day it backfired and went epically wrong.
I was getting the hair cut a few years ago and the car was full of coffee cups. Starbucks cups to be exact from a neighbouring city. Now there is no Starbucks in my hometown. So I said I would take them out of my car before I had to make a long trip. A little bit of life or car admin. I arrived into the barbers with 4 empty coffee recyclable cups.
Just a point to note before I go on. Barbers in Ireland are handed down by your father. You don't get to choose unless you move away from home at 18. I was back home so when my hair was getting long my dad told me I should pay Eddie a visit to reassert the life long pact he had with me about visiting his friend the barber.
I thought being living away from home had broken that pact but apparently the 8 years I was away wasn't enough to convince my father that I could get my haircut in another establishment.
So anyway it wasn't as if it was a complicated procedure. A "short back and sides" is all I wanted which coincidentally was the only haircut our barber knew so off I went.
"Hey Eddie" I said.
"Well young "
"How's she going? By the way I just found these outside the door, I'll just put them in the bin here," I said non chantally rather than admitting that I wanted to use his bin to dispose of my auto rubbish.
"So I put them in the bin with all the hair and sat down and waited for my turn to get the hair chopped."
"Whether bin charges had increased that month I am not sure but this really vexed Eddie who was wondering who left rubbish outside his lovely barber shop."
He proceeded to ask me 100 questions around where I found them?
When I found them?
Was there a new Starbucks new in town?
Who would do such a thing. Not 1 , not 2 not 3 but 4 cups.
He was having a look out 10 minutes ago and they weren't there....
So whoever did leave them there, they were there for only 10 minutes.
Meanwhile I just had to go with it and keep to my story. I was in too deep now and had to just keep it up.
Fucking miserable old bastard, just leave it go. It's only 4 cups.
He had finished the short back and sides of one auld fella that was really only down for the chats about rugby and didn't need a haircut until he was rudely interrupted by coffee cup gate and his day was ruined.
The next lad went up and he was a right mess. Curly long hair. Not well kept. Looked depressed. Hint of homeless off him with no smell. That kinda haircut.
Up he went. Eddie had a look in the bin at the coffee cups still fuming.
"You are Larry's young fella aren't you?"
"Yes Eddie."
"You didn't see anyone with those coffee cups around did you son"?
"No sorry."
He asked me another few questions about whether I had seen some yuppys from the Council around the place as the coffee cups could belong to them and continued the conversation with Larry's depressed son about the coffee cups while he untangled his birds nest on top of his head with a spikey brush called the detangler.
"I wouldn't mind if it was our towns rubbish, but that place with the mermaid is only in Cork, Kilkenny and Dublin and they cost a bomb."
I was reading a magazine while depressed dude just went through the motions and agreed with him.
"Yep I know yeah, not even our rubbish."
"And why should I have to pay for it, I'm the bigger fool."
"Exactly Eddie exactly and bin charges are no joke either."
"Leave it go Eddie, leave it go, I wish I left my mini car valet until I got home but it was too late for that. Fuck me. Just move on with your life. It was clear that not much happens in Eddie's part of town to be fuming about 4 coffee cups that ended up in his bin."
"Then depressed guy started piping up. The more hair that was coming off him, the more he started to freshen up in body and mind. He was becoming more inquisitive and had told Eddie about how the girlfriend ran off with his best friend a couple of months ago."
"Ah she was no oil painting anyway" replied Eddie
"...and wasn't the good looking friend of hers always mad after you, and sure didn't she break up with her fella last week. You should see her out tonight."
That's the thing about Eddie. He knew everyone in town and everything about everybody. Suddenly depressed Johnny was feeling great about himself and his relationship status and went from looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway to Ryan Reynolds.
"Hey thanks for cheering me up Eddie"
"No bother son"
I was next up. Another 15 minutes and I would be home free from my self imposed mess that was causing me considerable stress.
While depressed Johnny was getting the brush around the neck, the final act of a barber he piped up.
"I know how you will find your rubbish culprit Eddie" said depressed guy with new lease of life.
"Their names will be written on the cups"
"It's what they do in Starbucks, they ask for your name and then write it on an empty cup and call it out when they are ready"
"Interesting" said Eddie.
Both went for the hair bin at the same time.
Just before they retrieved the cups a door slammed and the salon was empty. A sound of a car with me in it screeching away down the road leaving tyre marks behind. My first name written on the 4 cups, I was sprung and had to make my escape before the big reveal. Ranting every expletive under the sun in the car after my ordeal for the last 30 minutes.
I have never been back at Eddies since and I learnt my lesson about the little white lies unlike our politician above.
A couple of weeks later I met depressed guy in the pub with some hot girl who he had met two weeks ago after the barber tip off that she was newly single again. Full of the joys of life. He told me Eddie wasn't happy with me.