Bumming Around Hive getting pittance per post?
Need some extra income?
Fear not we are here to help you.
I think we all know by now that if a world renowned physicist published Noble prize winning theories on Hive , they would probably get less than $1 in Hive rewards. And like many things in life it is not what you know but who you know. Building up this network is tough but what better place to do it than Hivefest where all the whales come and flaunt their wealth. So you have your ticket. Now all you have to do is talk to the right people.
We recommend the best ways to find the guys with the high HP, befriend them and finally get the $80 for your walk in the park post that you know deserves every penny for. Don't delay read more below.
1.Cut out the riff raff
There will be many Hive fest attendees that don't have a HP to their name but have probably got there for free. These people are your kyptonite. Avoid them like the plague. They are energy vampires and are out for the same blood you are so avoid them at all costs. Set AI up on your phone to voice search these peoples Hive wallets in an instant so you can look up their HP. Anything under 50k, cut them off and move on. Time is at the essence. Excuses such as "I have to take this call", or "I have to go over there away from you" should suffice. Don't be kind. Cut these leeches off briskly and cruelly. You have to plan for the worst so let us do this now. There will be countless individuals at this who will want to go get their guitar. If this happens run as hard as fast as you can in order to prevent a bad rendition of Wonderwall that will make your ears bleed.
Avoid the Splinterlands gang
It was widely revealed that most Splinterlands players have very little HP anymore as they could not afford to pass their DHF proposal. Don't waste your time with these lads. See above. Get out of there. Time is at the essence. Come back next year as the gang build up their HP stash as a valuable lesson learnt. It's a great game and all that but this is not your mission soldier. If you do get stuck in the ins and outs of the Dec Flywheel thinga ma jig then demand a gold foil legendary card before they utter another word as a kind gesture. You can then listen to how they are going to get out of the current bind they are in which is a result of trying to fix the last bind they were in.
Look for white males with beards and snazzy surf shirts
Preferably flip flops and unkept hair and a bit homeless looking. These are the big dogs. Pull out all the stops with these guys. Just brownnose them. Call them inspirational and get the job done. Listen to their stupid stories about the role of a witness and how heroic they were during the hard fork. Listen to them drone on about Justin Sun. Nod and smile and rub their inside leg. You will not be the only one brownnosing these guys but these are your competitors and you must eliminate them. Carry a stick to beat people away from your whale. This will be like a David Attenborough's Planet Earth during mating season but you got to do it behind the whales back. Crazy eyes help. Fight to the death. Bring flashbangs if needed. After the death match the most optimal approach is to get the whale blind drunk. If they don't drink then drug them with something strong. Log into their Hive account using a fingerprint from a sleeping whale or hold their eyes open with matchsticks so that you can log in with their eyeball. Go to Hive voter and make sure you 100% appoint the whale a fan of your content 100% per post. For this to happen. It might take the evening SO it is a good job it is a multi day event. You will be delighted the week after when you post a photo of a butterfly and end up with an $80 upvote. Amazballs! The whale will be non the wiser.
Extra activity: I have yet to hear of a female whale so maybe a boob job is needed pre arrival to boost your chances.
Cosy up to the Valueplan gang that hold the purse strings
Say you have this crazy idea which involves a unicycle and a couple of Hive logos and pens but you live deep in the Amazon rainforest and will need transport to carry out "Hive Unicycle" which believe it or not has a billion viewers all over the world so the possibilities are endless. Apply for 30k funding and go from there. Before you know it you will have a passive income. Key words are logistics and contingency. Makes it look professional. Always apply for more the second time just coz.
Praise all the wannabe Splinterlands games that have sprung up
Tell the developers they look nothing whatsoever like Splinterlands even though they look exactly like Splinterlands. Don't tell the devs to come up with an original idea that doesn't involves monster trading cards. Nod and smile and call it original. Write about how good the new game looks. Reap the rewards.
Sit through the most boring presentation
Remember to pretend to take notes and ask some good questions that the presenter can hit out of the ball park. Bring a hipflask to get you through the pain. Remember to put date on phone in a years time to check if the big plans came to fruition. Grab a Hive pen. Post about the presentation. Reap the rewards.
Fun Bobby your way through the evening
Everybody loves a Fun Bobby so make sure to be the life of the after party. This converts to upvotes. Do a couple of snake dances so people think you are mad. Find a bendy straw and put it on your ear so you can pretend its an ear piece. Start pretending to be a bouncer and kick people out of the hotel. Hopefully a whale will find you hilarious and upvote your shit content.
Use buzz words
Use the word web3, decentralisation, freedom of speech , This is Just the beginning" like what the whales use. We all know Hive is not web3 , not decentralised, and doesn't have freedom of speech unless you have 100,000 HP but who cares. We can keep pretending like we do. Shout these buzz words sporadically and before you know it there will be whales hanging around you like flies to shit. Like a couple of their tweets that make no sense on X and you are in like Flynn!!
Be weary of the People Who Operate in the Shadows
The protectors of Hive will be operating behind the scenes at this event so be weary. Considered the CIA of Hive ,more likened to the Bene Gesserit of Dune fame, the Shadowhunter Community are rumoured to be flying into Hivedfest on a stealth fighter to avoid being detected. Rubber stoppers are currently being placed on the end of walking sticks and wheelchairs have new sleek tyres for the event. The shadowhunters , one of Hives longest formed communities will be present at Hivefest. Approach at your peril. They are the real powers that be. Paler than most humans they will mingle among you like assassins' watching and waiting. Their time will come. Rumour has it their initiation is tough but when you are in then you are in for life. Deserters have been executed and buried in the desert (not pun intended) as a reminder to the others. They will be watching everything and gathering info for it is written in the scripture about their ascension, not just on Hive but to the top! The White House.
So there you have it. When you come back you will be a new man (with a pair of boobs) and an $80 upvote. It will be all worth your while.