I have been told by my hubby that I'm a Smokin' Hot Wife.

I can tell you this shamelessly, because I - in fact - am not. But it's nice to hear, now and then. Makes me laugh every time. (also makes me sliiiiightly suspect. lol)

But, as I sit here typing this... I am burning up. hotter than hot. one might say, this wife is SMOKIN'.

So, my sister and I exchange funny reels (the only thing I know how to do on Instagram lol). And every day, I die laughing, and then swipe for another and another. And in the search for a good laugh, I continue to see these ads....

(cue ominous music)

...and they keep telling me that I can rewind the years and look like a supermodel with their creams and lotions.

I blame it on not having TV.

Allow me to explain. See, people who have TV are so desensitized to commercials. They have been trained to ignore. but meeeeeee?? nooooooooo! I haven't had TV in 8 years so those Instagram ads are like FREAKING CRACK to me.

So I buy the lotion. 😆

not just one.. because how do you choose which body part needs to be young again?

THE BOX ARRIVES. AND THEY ARE SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE. FUN??? I LIVE THERE, DUDE.

And oooohhh....look how pretty!!!

All the yummy colors and such nice nice words. Happy, promising words!! Marketing gurus, I tells ya!!!! 😜 (it's like they search my trash for all my triggers. LOLOL)

I rip open every box

and proceed to.... of course, read directions carefully on each one. This one is "apply a thin layer", that one is "use circular motion", next one is "rub in", other one is "do NOT rub in".

They are different lotions (I think the same but just in different containers with different colors hahahaha) but....they all say something like this:

perhaps you read that quickly? as I did. Here - let me help you. Me show you!!!! Here is how I read 😆

I don't know about y'all.

And I am all about that!!!! Just slather that lotion on and send me to my happy place. Next stop, BEST LIFE. Can I get an AMEN??? Hallelujah! 🙌

HOWEVER....perhaps WE should take a closer gander... You know - just for those of you who MIGHT have glanced STRAIGHT RIGHT past other more cautionary words...as I POSSIBLY may have done.

ahem

• You may start to feel a WARMING SENSATION.. ok. check!
• that SLOWLY INCREASES IN STRENGTH. mm hmm. mm hmmm. tracking.
• and can be felt for up to TWO HOURS. *sure sure. Words finished. lotion now???

yes can apply the lotion, but did you see the....

And so. In conclusion...

I am writing this to you on my phone. Leaning over my bed with the glorious feeling of the fan blowing directly on me because my body is currently BURNING UP.

like pain?
like hellfire and brimstone?
like scorched?

Strangely enough, I touch my skin and it's cool. like minty cool.

"Well, that's oddly specific Dreem. How do you know what 140 degrees feels like?"

Because I have a sauna that goes to 140 degrees and this feels like I am IN. THAT SAUNA. RIGHT. NOW!!!! which doesn't actually feel BAD. TO ME....in fact, that sauna feels amazing!!!! ALL 140 DEGREES!! 🔥🔥🔥🔥

But when I experience this 140 degree temperature...I am actually IN A SAUNA.


To be standing....in my own body....and feeling the heat of a sauna... WITHOUT said sauna....is ...um.... slightly alarming?

INTERNAL DIALOGUE:

BRAIN: perhaps you might recall reading the words "warming sensation"?

ME: Wellllll, sure I read it but- this is getting hotter!!!!

BRAIN sighs: Hm. yes. perhaps "increasing for two hours" was the first clue.

ME: gasp! hmmm yeaaaaah...there was thaaaat. right.

ME ALSO: ....but I smell like candy!!!

BRAIN leaves the room

All this to say...