Mary-Kate and Ashley: Magical Mystery Mall was nothing like what I expected, although to be honest I didn’t really know what to expect beyond ‘game aimed at tween girls’. My previous experience with this genre was Barbie Explorer, a semi-competent Tomb Raider wannabe. Rather than a single game with a single style of play, 2000’s Magical Mystery Mall (developed by n-space and published by Acclaim) is a collection of mini-games meant to entertain for short periods of time instead of providing 80 hours of cut-scenes, dialog, and character development. Reviewing this should be a piece of cake, so hop in your car, cruise the lot until you find a primo parking space, and let's join our favorite 90s icons for a shopping spree they, and I, and you, will never forget!
Well, right from the start, things get tangled. The twins’ planned economic stimulus goes awry when they purchase a pair of friendship charms from a fortune teller who warns them never to join the necklaces together lest bad things happen. When you’re a teenager and an adult tells you not to do something, naturally the first thing you’re going to do is the opposite of that, ergo Mary-Kate and Ashley connect the charms, and BLAMMO! Time stops, the exits seal up, and it looks like the pair are about to live out their own Dawn of the Dead fantasy minus all the zombies. Then they realize six stores (and, for some reason, the information kiosk) remain open for business. Five of these stores hold magical gems that must be added to the necklace; once Mary-Kate and Ashley have them all, the spell will be broken and they can finish their shopping spree. Alright, girls: I may not be the hero you deserve, but I am the hero you need since I doubt anybody else will admit to playing this game, so let's head to our first destination.
Fash (which, in 2000, is short for 'Fashion', as opposed to an abhorrent political ideology) is looking for models and a photographer to create the spread for their next sensational show. Despite what 
Music Nation needs to send a killer music video to the top of the charts. All I had to do was pick from a variety of dance moves choreographed by Darrin Henson, work them into a routine for either Ashley or Mary-Kate to perform, then swap out the game disc for a music CD of my choosing and watch the routine unfold to the beat of my selected groove. In hindsight, having Mary-Kate rock out to Stan Bush’s “The Touch” from The Transformers: The Movie soundtrack is unlikely to help my ‘please take me off the watch list’ case. At least I have the second gem as consolation, and can move to the third store.
At Just Say Snow, my job was to outfit one of my charges with the proper gear and send her on a downhill snowboard race against an opponent in a best-of-three competition to determine who rules the powder. Since this is a licensed game full of nothing but mini-games, it's not exactly SSX caliber, but I think I can pull this off. Having used Mary-Kate in the past two events, I could tell Ashley was feeling jealous and ignored, so I put her on the slopes. Her mood improved considerably as I helped her collect special snowflakes so she could buy new boards to race with. It took some time and more than a few face-plants (sorry, Ashley!), but finally the third stone was ours. After all that modeling, dancing, and powder grinding, we were starving so a trip to the food court seemed a wise course of action. This, I learned too late, was not the case.
The nonsense we had to endure at Lizzie’s Lunch nearly broke me. When I’m not serving up word salads on the blockchain, I work in retail. Playing a mini-game where my job is to help the girls deliver food to a bunch of impatient, overbearing butt-breathers was ‘fun’ the same way explaining to
My final assignment loomed before me at Catch A Wave, the place where all the boys hang out. With Mary-Kate and Ashley as my loyal distractions, I took camera in hand yet again. This time my assignment was to snap candid pics featuring the antics of the cutest guys of the 32-bit gaming world while they teasingly ducked behind the scenery and played keep-away with their youthful good looks. I am nothing if not persistent, and expended only a few rolls of film before I had the pictures I needed to secure the fifth magic jewel and break the curse which held sway over the Magical Mystery Mall.
Unfortunately, I will never know how things turned out for the Olsen twins. They won't return my calls, and the police aren't buying my story about doing all of this for the sake of writing about a twenty year old video game. My trial is set for April 1st. Donations for my legal expenses can be given in the form of upvotes, or sent via Paypal.
I regret nothing.