Disclaimer: This post is rated insane, reader's discretion is advised.
Jimmy Carr, professional forehead model and comedian said a joke about a terrible thing is good while the terrible thing itself is bad in one of his Netflix specials. Keep this in mind while you read this.
I'm going to sit on my bed and try to come up with some one liners until I'm head can't come up with anything else. It might get dark a bit but I want you to enjoy that too, here goes:
Some people say our planet is the only planet with intelligent life in the entire universe, that's because it has dolphins on it.
When I was little, my cousin used to imagine been abducted by aliens, just like how we use to see them movies, turns out his aliens were tall dark men in a big black van.
I used to think the deadliest thing that could happen to a man was death, that was until I got married.
They say two heads are better than one, tell that to the conjoined twins that have to share one body.
The king of England is going to be on his queen sized bed without a queen.
Orphans are just like the hydra, they never stop multiplying.
We can stop world hunger in a day, all we need to do is kill all the hungry.
What is round and has straight lines in it? The earth having my girlfriend's ass in it.
If I am transwoman, does that make my mom transparent?
What's tall, sexy and cold hearted? The woman I locked in the freezer yesterday.
If homeless people don't have a home, why don't they just buy a house?
My niece is counting backwards from 10 while we hide from her, little does she know that's not a regular type of vest strapped on her.
How do you know your life isn't a horror movie? When all your black friends are still alive.
If a book could describe my sex preference, it'd be animal farm.
I used to think aliens were another species from another planet, discovery channel has let me know they're just illegal Mexicans living in the United States.
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a coconut? Michael Jackson is white on the outside and brown on the inside.
Scientists have finally found a cure for cancer, it's called suicide.
If you've read it this far, I'm happy to know that I'm not a only insane person here.