Comedy Fake News (Inspired by the Word Prompt 'Calumny')

_{Modified using an Image by mohamed Hassan from Pixabay}

Just a short comedy blog from me today. I recently (like just now) joined the dreamport discord server where I vaguely reconnected with Hive account@shadowspub for the first time in like 3 years.

Yeah, I know, I'm the only moron blogging on Easter Monday while the rest of the world have families, kids, lives, pasta bakes to make, Easter egg hunts to pursue, bunny farm liberation acts to commit (god bless you PETA), various religious stuff to adhere to, and a multitude of other interesting, worthwhile activities.

While I'm sitting here with an hour to kill before the snooker world championship final starts where I will discover if my £10 bet on Roni O'Sullivan (currently 12/5 up) to win outright will yield me the 8/1 dividends that I got when I placed the 'fun bet'.

I'm rubbing my hands in glee at the thought of a £70 profit burning a hole in my pocket.

But honestly, there is no need to worry, I'm not a gambler, this is the second bet I've ever put on in my life... truly I don't have a problem.

But reconnecting with shadowspub reminded me that she sends out a daily email with writer's prompts, perfect for an itinerant writer like me who has an hour to spare.

So I thought I'd tackle her word of the day, with a view to posting in Hive account@amirtheawesome1 Hive account@comedyopenmic community to see if I can cause any unsuspecting readers to do a little wee in their pantaloons from mirth and frivolity.

So..... the word of the day is: 'Calumny'

Which, according to yourdictionary.com can be defined as - A false statement maliciously made to injure another's reputation.

So, let rip the gods of 'Calumny'... but first the small print.

_{All statements after this point are complete and utter BS made up by myself for the purposes of satire, fun, comedy, and general shits and giggles. Please don't take offense... or if you are going to take-a-fence make sure it is a decent one with nice wooden slating that has been weatherproofed and painted a lovely shade of blue or something. Also, maybe take a look at the definition of the word Calumny above.}

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The First Calumny

1. I witnessed a group of prominent hive witnesses taking part in the trial of one @ned as witnesses on the stand, delivering a completely un-impartial verdict of guilty of crimes against the blockchain.

2. I witnessed a group of prominent hive witnesses taking part in the trial of one @ned as witnesses on the stand, delivering a completely impartial and righteous verdict of guilty of crimes against the blockchain.

3. I witnessed a group of prominent hive witnesses taking part in the trial of steem overlord, master of the most high lodge of puppet witnesses, 'Hive account@justinsun' as witnesses on the stand, delivering a completely impartial and righteous verdict of guilty of the crime of shitcoinery most heinous.

The Second Calumny

1. I once saw Hive account@eco-alex wantonly tossing plastic bottles overboard his million £ yacht while chugging a bottle of champagne and loudly declaiming 'fck the fcking dolphins.'

2. I once saw Hive account@eco-alex building a pyramid of plastic bottles on the deck of his million £ yacht while chugging a bottle of champagne and loudly declaiming 'this will focus the energy of all plastic in the oceans to allow me to finally... take over the world.'

The Third Calumny

1. I once saw Hive account@roelandp riding the 50-foot spout of his Hive account@whalefountain sculpture while being heard to shout "this is better than sex."

2. I once saw Hive account@roelandp observing the 50-foot spout of his Hive account@whalefountain sculpture as he was heard to shout "20.00% APR on HBD, send it my way and I'll make my whale shoot its load 100 feet in the air."

3. I once saw Hive account@roelandp at steemfest 3 on the final night, still awake and bouncing after organizing the meal of the century in an abandoned insane asylum where we were all forced to undertake an initiation into the cult of steem by lighting our own farts on fire."

The Fourth Calumny

1. I once saw Hive account@dan typing up a white paper on his laptop for a trifecta of cryptocurrencies called the holy trinity. As I peeked over his shoulder I was horrified to see that the whitepaper was being written on paper with CIA letterhead. The coins in question were called Storm, COS and PLUSH. But keep PLUSH on the down low because it the PLUSH blockchain hasn't been launched yet. 😉

2. I once saw Hive account@dan typing up a white paper on his laptop for a new cryptocurrency called $GOLUM. The coin in question offered a unique and astounding USP of being the one crypto to rule them all, the one crypto to find them, the one crypto to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them, in the Land of Larimer where the Shadows lie.

The Fifth Calumny

1. I Hive account@raj808 once wrote a personal message (or DM as us discord masters call them) to Hive account@theycallmedan asking him to sponsor me in my mission to build a spacecraft to literally build a hive node on the moon, making history of hive being the first cryptocurrency to actually reach the moon!

2. I Hive account@raj808 once wrote a personal message (or DM as us discord masters call them) to Hive account@theycallmedan asking him to fund me to buy the equipment to infiltrate NASA and implant one of the astronauts with a tracking chip and micro-camera that could bounce a signal back to a Hive account@threespeak server, making history as the first video network to film the secret meetings between the US government and our alien overlords who live on the dark side of the moon!

Or... did I make all this up?

Of course, I made all of this up?

It was fake news, bullshitery, Calumny of the highest order.

_{2nd Disclaimer (just to make sure)}

_{The writings of Hive account@raj808 in this blog are pure satire, fake news, bullshitery, Calumny of the highest order. If you feel the need to downvote fair enough, but I'm just letting everyone know that this is all a pile of steaming Calumny written in the spirit of fun kinda like the roast they do at the Oscars each year... which is why I included myself in the roasting.}

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All images used in this post are either cc licence sourced from pixabay and sourced beneath the picture. Gifs are ethically sourced from Tenor using the Hive account@peakd gif search function.

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