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If you've been following the news lately, you might've come across a certain young lady that has broken a Guinness world record.
I'll give you the breakdown.
Hilda Baci is a Nigerian chef and restauranteur that attempted and succeeded to break the record of longest time spent cooking.
The previous record was 87 hours and Hilda set a new record of 100 hours.
It was such a phenomenal event and she got even more publicity than the president or even a superstar like me.
That got me thinking; what if I broke a record myself?
Records can't be that hard to break. I mean If they were, people won't be breaking them everytime.
So I decided to embark on my own record breaking venture.
But what record can I break? definitely not the longest time cooking record.
100 hours?
Just 1 hour in and I probably would've burnt the entire kitchen.
So I sat down and after a while of ruminating and drinking caprisonne, I came up with easy records that I could personally with little effort.
Your move Guinness!
1. LONGEST TIME INDOORS
"Are you a vampire?"
"No introvert can be this bad"
"Do you need help?"
Are just some of the things people have said to me when they find out how much I stay inside.
Apart from very specific things, I'm not a big fan of going outside.
Outside is where the danger is, outside is where the weird people are, outside is where the sun is.
Inside has my bed, my pillows, electricity and most times food. Why would I wanna leave that to go outside?
There was a time I didn't step out for days, I was just watching Avatar Korra and chilling. The first thing my friends said when they saw me was "we thought you were dead."
The Coronavirus lockdown was basically a holiday for me.
People were complaining they couldn't go out and there I was watching anime.
Yup, this is a record I could definitely break with ease.
It's even Guinness themselves that'll be begging me to step out.
2. MOST PROCRASTINATED TASKS
Why do I procrastinate?
I have the answer, but I'll tell you later.
The point is I procrastinate, a lot, with everything.
I procrastinate so much that my friends call me the deadline king.
To break this record, all I have to do is to call Guinness to observe just one day of my life. After they see the amount of procrastinating I do in just one day, they'd close this record in honor of me.
3. MOST USELESS FACTS LEARNED
Did you Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down?
You probably will never use this knowledge in your entire life... but now you know it.
I have hundreds of these kind of facts taking up space in my brain. Valuable space that should allocated for academic education.
To break this record, I'm just gonna sit Guinness down, give them caprisonne or something and start reciting all the stupid facts I know.
That should take at least 4 days.
4. LARGEST STOCKPILE OF USELESS THINGS
I can't call myself a collector because collectors collect their collections with pattern.
Me, I could just see a stone that's shaped like a rock and I'd take it home.
The next day, I'd take home a leaf that has birthmark.
There's no pattern!
I literally still have the head of a broken screwdriver because "I didn't want to abandon it."
I'm weird... I know.
All Guinness has to do is spend 10 minutes in my room and the record is mine.
5. MOST AMOUNT OF MONEY SPENT ON CAPRISONNE
Caprisonne; the only thing that rivals a woman's touch.
I said what I said.
With all the caprisonne I've consumed, I could be their mascot.
I'm pretty sure if I saved all the money I've used to buy caprisonne, Elon musk would be the second richest man right now.
If Guinness wants to verify this record, they should just go to every caprisonne seller in my neighborhood.
They'll be told of my tales and the record will be served to me on a silver platter... along with 5 packs of caprisonne.
CONCLUSION
It would be highly appreciated if you all could support me as I attempt to break these very serious records.
Especially the caprisonne one, I really really want to break that one.
And don't tell me that Guinness would never approve of my records, have you seen some of the ridiculous records out there?
So donate to the cause, buy caprisonne for me and soon, you'll be reading the articles of several Guinness world records holder.
To everyone that has ever doubted me, mark this day... or don't, I don't care.
I just want caprisonne.
This is my second entry to thebl LOLZ's FUN House COMtest.
It's a banging contest with insanely hilarious content from some of the funniest writers here so y'all please participate.
Click the link and let's have some fun!
@comedyopenmic/the-lolzs-fun-house-comtest-announcement-50-hive-and-2000-fun-tokens-in-prizes
Thank you for reading.
Stay buzzing,
Maximus.