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Do you see its dreaded eyes to??
November 2021.
Dear Eric,
Long time! How have you been my friend? Tell me, how is life in Ireland with that fat whore of yours? Ha!... but yes...i know....I know... I shouldn't be calling your wife that. But let's face it mate, she needs to start working out. I mean the beef burger could barely fit in the vacation picture you sent me. Anyways, send my greetings to her. Tell her that her brother loves her so much and misses her.
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Oh just look at my hands! The hands of a god don't you think?
Ah...I'll be honest my friend, I didn't write this letter just to mock my obese sister. No... not this time. Sadly, it is to inform you that my Sinistrophobia has worsened since you last saw me. Oh Eric, I suffer everyday. The stupid illness even seems to be affecting my love life now: I mean just last month, I was having dinner with this girl whose bosoms where the size of two watermelons! My God! You should've seen this lady. I'm not even sure what was more intimidating, her bosoms or her dreadful left arm. Yes my friend! Her left arm!!! Oh how I despise this sickness Eric! To think i almost stabbed her with a butter knife just because she passed me the butter with her left hand...
And it's not just that date mate. About 3 weeks ago, I went to the cinema with a very beautiful lady. Her name was Brenda. Oh the whole date was going great until she sat at that bloody chair. I remember being very specific with her that night, telling her to make sure she seats by my right cause you know I really liked her and didn't want the date to be ruined. But the ignoramus of a woman just had to seat by my left! Oh Eric! We were just watching some cheesy romance. Fucking Cinderella it was! But the whole bloody thing felt like a horror movie to me! I was so nervous that I couldn't breathe and my heart kept on palpitating. I felt as though Brenda would turn into a demon and devour my soul! But you have to understand my situation my friend: there I was in this dark cinema with a lady seating by my left!! so how then could you possibly blame a Sinistrophobic freak like myself for freaking out? Oh the horror! I just couldn't take it anymore, so I leaped out from my seat, yelled at her: "leave my soul alone you mephistopheles cunt!!" and ran out of the cinema. Since then, I knew nothing of her ever again...
Oh... It's times like these that I really just want to chop off this bastard of a left arm. Seriously! Today I sat on the dinner table holding a knife over my hand and stared at my left arm for 3 hours straight! While deliberating over what to do with the beast. In all honesty, the arm terrifies me!
Fortunately enough, i seemed to have found a little salvation from my sufferings. That's right, i have found the one! Finally a woman who doesn't seem to care at all about my disease. Ahhh...Her name is Milly. Oh mate, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is just wonderful!
I think I am in love!! However, there's just one problem with her- she has a pet - a pet rock.
Yes! You heard me right. A fucking pet rock! Not a goldfish, not a sea turtle, not even a bloody snake(heaven knows I could manage even that) but a bloody rock?.... Why?...Who does that?...
I really don't want to jump into any conclusions that she is crazy and needs help because that may just fancy the whole thing as hypocrisy. However, this doesn't stop the stupid rock from ruining my relationship with her.
You know, I'm really worried about Milly these days. I want to tell her she needs help but the conversation just can't seem to come up. I mean how do you even tell someone they're crazy? Oh Eric, she treats the rock like her child. Like an actual child!! She made a damn bedroom( a shrine) for the bloody thing. She even took it upon herself to name the rock "Chaplin". You know what the neighbors are calling us now? The psychiatric couples who escaped the asylum. Some even call me the deranged Casanova.
Oh... even when thinking of our future together she still involves the rock! She has made it clear that she would love to have a family with me but without any children! Only rocks!!
Seriously? Fucking rocks?? They might as well just call me the rockfather...
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Tell me Eric, do you fancy me a man whom will want stones as children?!!!!
Oh and Eric, this dumb rock is everywhere! I mean everywhere!....Even when we make love!!!! You see Milly has this weird fetish were she puts the rock in the room so it can watch us while we.... well you know. And it's getting on my damn nerves mate! She would whisper seductively in my ear things like: "Aren't you glad Chaplin is hear to watch us babe?" Oh God!!! What have I gotten myself into??
I tell you mate, if this rock or illness doesn't kill me, this woman will!! Now that we have started living together, it's always one fight after another but I still love her regardless. Oh... it's a such a wonderful thing to have someone know you so well that they are able to recognize all your strengths and weaknesses.... or is it?...
You see bud, Milly seems to have found new creative ways to punish me. Every time we fight she doesn't lash out or get angry at first. Oh no...she takes her revenge in a much more sinister way later.Just the other day I had a major case of diarrhea and I needed to take a hot shit and so of course I went to the bathroom. But you know what mate? The bloody mistress put the tissue paper on the left side of the toilet. On the damn left side Eric!!
She knew very well what she was doing!! Oh Eric, I spent 4 hours seating on that fucking toilet yelling "Honey!! Please come get me!!" But there was no reply. She had left me there to suffer. I could barely feel my legs now and was totally consumed by the horrid smell of my own shit while still in fear of the tissue placed on my left!!
Oh Mate!! Tell me!!! Is that not true suffering?
And that's not all my friend. Some days she would put food for me with her left hand, on the left side of the dining! Just so I wouldn't eat. Some days, just for fun, she would go as far as touching me with her left hand while I scream in terror!!And she wouldn't stop until i promised to buy her new jumpers! And some days she would even punish me by placing that damn rock of hers on the left side of the room just to taunt my sleep the entire night!
Oh my friend, if care is not taken I would die in this house. At the hands of my girlfriend and her stupid rock. Hopefully, people would respect my last wishes to be buried at the right side of the cemetery. However, I must go, for as I am writing this letter to you now, I can hear her car pull up which of course, is my cue to leave for my Mom's place this weekend. Oh yes! Did I not tell you? I no longer use the doors again in my house. Usually I would just let Milly open the doors for me because I am too damn afraid of using those knobs placed on the LEFT side of our door. But ever since she stopped opening doors for me, my only way of leaving the house is by jumping out the window. Oh my friend, I have been arrested twice!!Because our dumb neighbors kept reporting me as a burglar. Ahh....that's just my life now I guess...
Oh, and dear friend, please use this experience of mine to teach your boys about finding the right partner. For the moral of this story is: when you get a pretty girl, check for rocks!!! She just might be crazy!!
Farewell for now!
Until I write to you again of my other adventures. If I live to survive them.
Your friend,
The deranged Casanova.
Oh you're still reading this garbage?? That's good.
Incase you found the whole thing funny then, who am I to call you crazy🙂
Now before I say anything more,I would like to state that Sinistrophobia(fear of the left side or anything associated with it) is a real thing and as funny as the condition may sound, there are still lots of people out there struggling with it. In case you've never heard of condition, you have now. I'm glad I could bring a little awareness to it.
This is my entry to the Comedy open mic contest hosted by supreme overlord of comedy here on this blockchain
I would like to invite 
Anyway, if you have the time. Wait a minute... I don't care about your time! Just join the damn contest! You'd be surprised to know just how funny you truly are deep within...
Everything you need to know about the contest can be found here
Thanks for reading and keep exploring!