Suddenly, today I realized that my life has become boring and meaningless. Meaningless is a big word with a significant meaning but truth is truth. I find this time of my life boring because every day is almost similar, tons of appointments, treatment processes, follow-up further treatment updates, refugee life issues, and complaints go on. It's like this time never gonna end. I recently started thinking about how meaningless my life is. Life without aims or goals is actually meaningless. There is nothing I can't think of making my life worthy or meaningful.
This strange thought process has been continuing for many months. Although I am attending all the therapies and taking prescribed medications for my psychological issues, I still have a long way to go. A few days ago, I managed enough courage to talk and share about my treatment process with one of my friends. In my mind, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to share a little bit of my life with my old friend but it was a mistake. I forgot that no matter how much my life changed, I shouldn't expect that others would understand the situation of my life. My friend cannot even imagine how my life could be; all she understands is that I am staying in Europe, seeing many places so what's with the psychological problem? There is nothing called a psychiatric issue, she doesn't even understand the word called psychology. After talking to her, it made me wonder about our friendship. I actually questioned myself about our friendship.
The entire conversation actually made me upset. I was not upset with her, I was upset about our conversation. I think the difficulties of my life taught me the reality of life, I saw and experienced a lot of circumstances and those made me who I am. I guess currently my perspective on life is completely different than others especially when I compare myself with my country's people. I am not limited, I am mature enough to understand other people's sadness or words.
My physiotherapy started yesterday, the clinic is not far from my living place; it takes only 10 minutes by bus and the location is nice. From the bus station, I have to walk around 8-10 minutes to reach the clinic. I actually walk slowly when I go to the clinic because the area's surroundings are so nice. Even during a gloomy rainy day, I bet the area still looks pretty.
Sometimes I find it quite difficult to have a good day, stress covers me tightly, and grabs my body so that I can't be free. These kinds of days, feelings are strange, so intense that sometimes I lose my thinking capability. Treatment helps a lot, when I talk to my therapist, I feel relieved. I feel lonely always because I don't have friends here with whom I can meet in person sometimes or talk using my own language. You also miss your childhood friends or college friends with whom you grew up and suddenly lose connection. My therapist says it's emptiness; a giant void created in me, unfortunately.
Feeling empty and void has some benefits though; you don't feel anything. When I feel empty, I feel nothing, to be honest. No sadness, no stress, no thoughts, nothing. It's a sign of depression my doctor told me but I thought it was a healing process. When I attend the appointment with the trauma couch, I always learn something. She helps me to focus on myself, to heal, and to see this world in a different way.
Anyway, today is another day. I guess I am just writing a diary on blockchain. It's been a while since I wrote this kind of post, this post doesn't have any significant meaning. I am fighting with myself, every day to get better...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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