What a week!! I didn't even realize where all of the time went. The week was intense, a lot of work was done and a lot of pending work needs to be done. I have been introduced to a new therapy and a new doctor as well. In my last post, I mentioned that my sleeping pattern has changed. As a result, my whole daily routine has changed and during the daytime, I feel like a zombie. Somehow my emotions and feelings are going back and forth; they arrive with a lot of intensity that makes me feel sick, overwhelmed.
My tax issue still didn't solve, I am trying to reach those who can help me out but obviously, everything takes time. On the other hand, now every week, I have to attend a minimum of 3 types of therapies which is a lot for my health. My personality changes always and my behaviour is sometimes unpredictable. Due to lack of sleep, my mood swings a lot, and cannot focus properly. As a result, I cannot finish any work properly. My stress and panic are there and it's not something that will go away easily.
Last week, I had two therapies one after one. The new therapy that was introduced to me basically trauma therapy. I thought my psychologist already started giving me that therapy but I was wrong. My trauma therapy didn't even start. So, my trauma therapist first asked me a lot of questions and asked me all the recent incidents and history. Then she picked up a few incidents and told me to focus on that. She introduced me to EMDR therapy. EMDR basically based on 4 terms: Eye, movement, Desensitization, and reprocessing. Many people who went through trauma and going through with trauma receive this treatment initially. She gave me a paper where the details of the treatment has been written, well I didn't finish reading that paper yet. As I said, my concentration level is almost 0 still.
Remembering and reprocessing the memories is hard and I don't know how many times I cried in one hour during the entire session. Not only each minute seemed intense but also I felt pain, anxious, heavy, and emotional. I wish I could write those feelings in words, very hard to describe. Last week was the introduction day to trauma therapy, I have to wait for the treatment date.
After the trauma therapy session, I went to meet my regular psychologist and I just couldn't concentrate on that session. I was blank and my brain felt almost dead. Many people don't understand these therapies and mental issues in fact I witnessed many people how they react when they hear about depression and mental traumas and problems. When an individual witness shock, it causes trauma in the brain and in time it affects a lot. Many people ignore that and move on, some cannot and ended up broken like me.
Recently one of my friend's brother committed suicide but the sad part is instead of showing grief, people are talking about his suicide and about his frustration. I didn't react, I just sent my condolence that's it. I stopped talking about my situation, people ask me why I don't work, and I just say I am sick. There is no point to talk where people will only judge me and misunderstand me. As I said before, in my culture people don't believe in mental health, they said it's all in your head or you are weak. I often ask my psychologist about my condition because sometimes I cannot accept who I am. I feel weak and demotivated, I don't feel confident. Probably that's why my treatment process is long.
I stopped taking nightmare therapy, it was not working at all and I was not comfortable. Remembering nasty, obsessive, and intense dreams was painful and I couldn't handle the pain and trauma. It's like I just didn't want to recall those and was trying to stay away from those thoughts. I have been doing everything according to the treatment that was suggested. This was the one thing I couldn't continue.
One of my therapy sessions was in Amsterdam so while visiting my therapist, I have taken some photos.
It was a beautiful summer day, pleasant weather. I enjoyed the short walk before the therapy. To be honest, after every therapy session, I feel so tired. I don't know why.
Sometimes I think too much and my overthinking process creates a lot of barriers to my treatment process. My strong personality feels vulnerable and thinks to give up on life. Just like I hesitate to talk about my health, I also hesitate to write about it. I am skipping many incidents that happened this week, just not ready to write about those.
Took some photos near Dam Square and around the Kalvastraat
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Summer means a lot of tourists in Amsterdam
After my therapy, I spent some time at Dam Square and had a cold drink because it was a hot day. A lot of people were around me which was kinda overwhelming but somehow I managed to sit down and only focused on the location, not on the people.
Mental health is a real deal and I hope people pay attention to it instead of ignoring the issue in fear of society. Otherwise, the suicide rate will never decrease.
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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