Whenever I think I am getting better and recovering from the past, something uncertain always drags me down. It is that kind of moment when I start solving myself and all of a sudden all of my efforts decide to drown in water. Well, in my previous post, I wrote about my nightmares and how my unconscious mind reacts to obsessive thoughts. After having a one-hour session with my psychologist last week, she decided to talk to my psychiatrist as well. Basically, when I described my nightmares in detail with her, she instantly decided to talk to my psychiatrist. I have been better but I didn't know I have been developing some unusual behavior as well which I have never felt before.
I had schizophrenia 15 years ago and I got treatment as well. But whatever happened in the past year and recent years, it was not connected with schizophrenia or hallucination. My doctors also assured me that that madness is not gonna come back but they kept my previous treatment records just in case. Because no matter how motivated I feel now, my darkness is still inside me and sometimes they come out in the form of unusual activities. For example, lately, I have been obsessed with cleanliness. It's like OCD but not OCD. I can't stop myself from cleaning and scrubbing things until I get tired. What is more concerning is I don't do these daily chores like normal people in the daytime, I do this at midnight after I wake up having obsessive and destructive nightmares. I now start imagining characters (family members and people around me) in dreams in a deformed and aggressive form. As a result, my body feels heavy, I cannot breathe properly and I choke in dreams. I become vulnerable sometimes as well as aggressive in dreams and start reacting using my body. I feel like I am going to die and as a result of the signal of my brain; my body reacts aggressively.
So after the consultation, my psychiatrists told me that I have developed "Cognitive dissonance" and I didn't know what it was. Because in the morning, I am a completely different person and I do things like a normal person. This is a psychological disorder caused by trauma and stress. This is a discomfort triggered by my beliefs, daily activities, and my perception. I am gonna add some words about this term.
According to this theory, when two actions or ideas are not psychologically consistent with each other, people do all in their power to change them until they become consistent. The discomfort is triggered by the person's belief clashing with new information perceived, wherein the individual tries to find a way to resolve the contradiction to reduce their discomfort. source.
This discomfort only arrives at night at a very specific time and that is when I completely turn into a different person. I don't hallucinate but the scariest part is whatever I experience in my nightmares, I clearly remember and can recall through the entire day. So, no matter if I act like a normal person, or smile like a normal person, I am not fully a normal human being. I know these all of things are so bizarre and hard to believe but this discomfort can cause death in sleep. I am also on high medications and because of side effects, heart attack or death can happen during my sleep as my body reacts to the nightmares. So, treatment is necessary and from the next another specialist will be introduced to me who will be helping me go through this process. Well, my psychiatrist also gave me the idea of the treatment which I already forgot. And of course, she knows I am gonna forget eventually but for the record, she had to explain the treatment details to me. I wish I could write and explain how much I am suffering due to these bizarre discomforts.
Another example I wanna write here is what happened yesterday night. My nightmares are constant and every night they arrive. Today morning I found out I cut my hair and I don't know when exactly I did that. I cannot remember and the entire day I have been trying to figure out when I cut my hair. I am not a sleepwalker but as I said, because of imaginary characters and circumstances, I do bizarre things that have no meaning. Another fact is because of the fear of having nightmares, I am scared to fall asleep.
Well, of course as a result of this bizarre discomfort, my medicine dose increased. If I discuss these discomforts with anyone, they will think I am completely crazy. I am suffering; struggling from the inside. My strong personality doesn't want to show my weaknesses but I know how much weak and vulnerable I am now. 2 months ago I wanted to kill myself and now I am scared of death. It's weird. Even I cannot believe in my own thoughts and I cannot believe that this kind of psychological issue exists.
It's hard to believe that a brain can imagine a whole new imaginary world, characters, and beliefs.
Well, now I have to fix my hair.... :/ Again have to spend money on some things that are not essential... But it is what it is...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
Find me on:
All images used are captured by the author...