How do I feel staying away from home? How does it feel to be a refugee in an unknown country? How do I am coping with everything, the big change? Almost every day I face such kinds of questions and I don't have proper answers. It is hard for me to talk about the past, the past that hurts me constantly and tore my heart into pieces. It's been 6 months since I left my loving home; I left the city Kharkiv of Ukraine. Yesterday was the 5th of October and 6 months have gone so quickly. Half of the year in my life is gone already and I still don't know what I am up to or what I am gonna do with my life. Everything still feels so overwhelming and I have started feeling accountable for my life. I am accountable for all of my decisions and responsible for my this life as well. Around 6 years ago when I moved to Ukraine to pursue my life and career, was it the right decision for me? My answer was always yes with confidence but now I highly doubt my that decision. Whatever happened, I can't change that. I didn't know my future and still I don't know my future...
On 5th March 2022, I was forced to leave my home in Kharkiv because of the war. I left a tweet with a video where I showed how I started my journey with my dog.
The tweet was - " Leaving home is feeling like my world is fallen apart..."
I had no idea where I was heading at that moment and what was waiting for me. I just left home because of fear and loneliness. I was completely alone and used to hide in the dark, cold, dusty basement with my dog. Nobody was there at some point and everybody had to leave. People thought about their safety so they left and I had to make friends with cockroaches who were living in the basement with me.
I used to eat less, I had a food supply but I couldn't eat anything due to fear and loneliness. I wish I could tell how it felt to be lonely. I used to miss my friends, and family members and every day used to think about whether I am going to be able to see them again in life or not. I stayed at the warzone for 9 days and among them, 5 days I was completely alone. I used to feel guilty, cried hard, and begged for my life back. I was weak and I had no energy. I still don't know how I went to the rail station and ended up on the evacuation train.
At some point, I was completely hopeless and stopped crying. If you see me now, you will never imagine what I was going through in the past to be in the present. I don't even like to talk about those dark days in my life. They are horrible. Some people have a really strong mind which I don't have and that's why I was traumatized. Besides my loneliness haunted me at that time. I wish I had someone beside me when I was in that condition. I know many will say different things about me and yes, I have said that I am accountable for all of my decisions and that's why I don't blame anyone.
I had to leave due to constant shelling and air attack. Everything was scary and so terrible. The memory is still surreal and overwhelming. It feels like yesterday but half of the year has gone from my life. I had to leave all of my belongings behind and I decided to keep my beloved dog with me. I did the right thing, my dog is my world and I love her. She saw me and she knows my pain.
Life in the Netherlands is good, better than living in a warzone obviously but as I have said I don't know the answer to staying away from home and living life like a refugee. I am a different person now, war changed me and my point of view. I see life differently, I feel scared about my future and I feel hopeless sometimes. People have a home, life partner, and family with whom they can share their emotions, and their life. I have none. I don't think much now. I don't think what will happen next. I stopped thinking and planning. Everything seems pointless to me. I am not in depression, I just don't find that inspiration to live life like before.
Life played a cruel game with me, so I let life choose a destination for me.
I have a lot of choices to choose from in life, I just don't want to choose anything now. I feel traumatized when I think about my past.
Life played a cruel game with me, so I let life choose a destination for me.
I have a lot of choices to choose from in life, I just don't want to choose anything now. I feel traumatized when I think about my past.
One good thing I have done for myself is choosing not to remember those terrible dark days in my life.
Thank you so much for reading...