I can't believe that so many days passed since I wrote my last post about my life and health. I was feeling frozen, completely stuck within my unstable world. It feels like this dark phase of life is never going to end. I completely lost motivation on many things, lost consistency and I hardly can recognize myself. Due to high-power medications, I have gained so much weight and I didn't realize that until summer arrived. Actually, I didn't pay proper attention to my physical health and now I am having body shaming issues. I am not a Gym person but seeing the fat on my body is making me uncomfortable. Most of my clothes do not fit anymore.
I didn't know what to share, or what to write about myself. I had a feeling that people might don't wanna read about my sad, unhealthy stories and also I was kind of bored with my thoughts as well. How long an individual can be depressed and stay stuck like this? Sometimes my brain works so fast that my body cannot keep up with it. I come up with some insane ideas which are hard to fulfill. For example, I have been thinking to take a new job for quite a while but my psychologist strictly said to me not to involve in my work life because I won't be able to keep up the commitment currently. Long story short, I was busy doing nothing actually...
Silence is good sometimes...
Gigi started going to her training school and also she has a personal trainer now. Well, I had to give her a personal trainer because I cannot handle her properly and she don't consider me Alpha. She is a very clever dog and she knows when to take proper advantage of me. Money is flowing because the dog trainer is expensive here. The money I have saved so far from my previous job is going behind her training. I don't mind spending money on my dog Gigi but I also wanna see results as well. I hope Gigi will learn patience and obedience. Gigi sometimes put me in an embarrassing situation and to be honest, I really feel complicated at that moment. It's like I feel ashamed that I cannot handle my dog properly.
Gigi's trainer said that she is a stressed dog and she also deals with stress. The trainer doesn't know about my condition but seeing Gigi's behavior, she just told me that and showed me tricks on how to reduce her stress. I am giving Gigi time as much as possible.
My therapy session is still ongoing and I don't know for how long I have to deal with this darkness. But it feels good that I have someone to talk to, knowing my thoughts are in safe hands and I won't be judged. I started talking to people but very carefully. My psychologist said that I am recovering and doing better than before. After increasing the doses of my medications, the intensity of nightmares reduced a bit but still, it's not recovered. I wrote in my last post that I have been dealing with a disease called Cognitive dissonance and also suffering from PTSD and depression. I am still in a delicate situation but my strong personality now knows how to fight and not feel overwhelmed by uncertain circumstances.
I did a few things in the past weeks, but nothing extraordinary. Well, I didn't travel but I did small activities like buying summer clothes. I am focused on doing small things and relish my achievements. Also, I started planning for my Iceland trip. I fix my hair as well. I have stopped thinking about my future, it put me into depression. Instead, my psychologist advised me to focus on the present and to be happy with small achievements. Initially, I find this task very silly but eventually, I learned that it is very important to stay well in the present.
Past two weeks I had been in a rough situation and was having a very emotional phase. I cried a lot, called my psychologist several times, and thought about taking excess levels of medicines to shut down my thoughts yet here I am writing this post today.
I am discovering myself every day. I can't change anything in the past. I cannot change many things in the present but I am learning to adjust and adapt. War took everything for me but also opened a brand new door for me. It's just me who cannot accept and move forward. Many don't understand the life I am having currently, strangers say that this is an incredible opportunity for me to start a new life. But to start a new life, I need to be strong. I need courage and motivation and that is lacking from my side. I don't know what I want in life, I don't know what is my goal, what I wanna achieve.
Officially summer arrived in the Netherlands and I didn't even notice how quickly spring left. I see good vibes around me, people seem happy and relaxed. I spend time outside, sitting and watching people, and activities while grabbing a paper cup of coffee. I find myself alone sometimes, completely lonely in this new country. I am also dealing with some personal issues and those issues really interrupt my recovery process. But I am alright, good and alive...
What's next!!! I don't know yet...
P.S.: Many of my Hive friends reached out to me and texted me personally due to my inactivity on the blockchain. I wish I could explain that feeling reading those thoughtful texts, people actually care about me and I am lucky. This is something I will never get anywhere because it is love from my Hive friends who genuinely care about me and adore me.
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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