There is nothing new happening in my life or I should say there are a lot of things ongoing that's why probably I don't even realize what is right or wrong. Lately, I haven't been myself, my mind is somewhere and my body is somewhere. After being sick for a couple of days, I started struggling with my health. Even though I have been going here and there, doing chores; still I feel I am not where I need to be. My EMDR therapy started and it's intense. I didn't realize the intensity of this therapy at first, I heard about it. But when I actually started having it, I understood what kind of therapy it was. EMDR means eye, movement, desensitization, and reprocessing. It might seem nothing but for one hour every week, your entire energy will be burned. It's a therapy for people who have traumatic experiences and psychological difficulties. I have both.
I had to wait for long 6 months to get this therapy, the waiting list was long. At one point, I was hopeless that I was not going to get the treatment I needed because no matter how much I did activities or took medicines, in the end, I keep everything inside and pretend like nothing happened. The Interesting fact was, that I went to EMDR therapy in a good mood but left the room with sadness. My doctors clearly understand that somehow a part of me lives in the past and is still there. I never realized that properly until I started this therapy. The most difficult part of this therapy is concentrating on one specific memory, a very specific event, and an image. And my mind goes here and there, don't want to focus on that trauma. If I focus on the memory, I stay there and cannot come back. Human mindset and psychology are fascinating, you can't even understand how the brain and mind work.
There was a time in my life when I didn't believe in these. In my culture, people consider psychological issues as laziness and madness. I faced a lot of traumatic events even when I was a child, I witnessed such an intense event which later affected my psychology at some point. This is not the first time I have seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I had been through intense psycho-treatment before for my Schizophrenia but my current doctors believe that I haven't been diagnosed with Schizophrenia no matter what my old reports explained. But what I remember and know is that my left hand is full of scars. Not one, not two, it's a lot.
People say it's better to cry rather than holding yourself and I cry every day. Unfortunately, my family never saw my struggle and it hurts me. I faced abuse, harassment, and ignorance. I have trust issues, depression, social anxiety, hallucinations, psychosis issues, and nightmares. My doctors tried to treat my intense nightmare problem by giving me IRT (imaginary rehearsal therapy) and obviously, it didn't work out because I find it bullshit. An individual who is trying to hide everything inside and pretend nothing happened, she never gonna be expressive about her nightmares. She will try to forget those as much as possible.
My childhood traumas are scattered but the recent traumatic experiences are vivid. Anytime they come to me, haunt me, and leave me behind with nothing. I sometimes feel ashamed of myself, it happens when I try to socialize. I don't know how to be happy in the middle of limitless emotions and anger. The last treatment took 8 years of my life. My stress and panic level goes higher when I think when I will be normal like before. Or I guess I was never a normal kid. In school, I was a shy, back-bencher girl who didn't have many friends. Nobody wanted to talk to her because she was skinny and black, a failure.
In college, I was the most wanted criminal girl 😀 who bunked the classes and failed in Math and biology; in my culture at that time, I used to be a spoiled girl but I was happy 😁. After higher-secondary school graduation, I became mature and serious about life, and career and studied well. I have achieved a lot but lost a lot too. But in the end, I often think about what I did with my life. In the end, I am nothing; even a cockroach is better than me I guess...
I always said to myself, I cannot change the past. But what exactly I am doing so that my future will be better!! I don't know. Sometimes I think I am making everything up, everything is inside my head and I am lazy, not depressed. I feel guilty always but for what I don't know.
Well, how I have been doing? I guess I am doing better but again am I pretending to be better!!! My doctors know...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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