Finally, after a long hot day, I sit down and decided to write something about my day or about my entire week. My dog Gigi looking at me right now like I am doing something serious without her and she is very curious about that. She is going to be 3 years old soon I believe because I adopted her during the pandemic covid time. I need to see her passport but her birthday is coming which is 10th July. I cannot believe she is going to be 3 years old, it feels like I adopted her yesterday. I lost track of her age because of the war situation I guess, I almost forget the adoption year, unfortunately.
I am now asking myself what kind of mother I am who forgets her baby's birthday!!! Anyway, this week was kinda normal, boring as usual without work or any productivity. Well, on Thursday I went to see my psychologist to attend my weekly session and it went well. There were some good news and bad news as well. The bad news is I am not going to get trauma therapy for my PTSD because the trauma section denied my application. My psychologist was explaining to me why they rejected me to take my case but I didn't pay attention to it. I have been dealing with rejections in every aspect of my life and it is nothing new to me. I am used dealing to with rejection and no matter how bad I feel about it, I never show that feeling in front of others.
When my psychologist asked me how I have been doing; my answer was quite confusing. She didn't understand my answer at first because I told her that I have been pretending with myself and in front of others as well. Pretending to be normal, pretending that I am doing good and there is nothing wrong with me. I think I am not explaining my thoughts behind such an answer correctly because all I wanted was to be normal and happy in front of others. I started hiding my emotions, and feelings and also I pretend to myself saying everything is alright even though I am broken inside. I really don't know how people can be so strong and so confident. I feel weak and less confident every other day. I guess my loneliness eats me deeply from the inside.
Whatever, I just don't know when I will be back as a normal human being. So, now my psychologist is going to do something with my PTSD and my nightmares as well. So, I was a little bit confused about my treatment, what was actually going on so far...
Believe me or not, I have been realizing so many things lately about myself. It's not only about the war trauma, it's about my whole life which became ups and down all at once. The reason I have been facing so many difficulties is that I am all alone without family members or friends. I don't have anyone who will actually listen to my bullshit talk except my psychologist.
I am staying in a very nice country, I am safe but it's hard to accept all of these changes all at once because circumstances influenced my life so badly. You know I force myself sometimes, I force myself to be better, I push myself to be normal and to feel happy. I am just lost hope of living life and starting over again. I guess I am hopeless and I don't find that inspiration to start life over again.
My sickness and depression are still there, they just come and go, depending on the effects of the medicines. I bought a coloring book and started coloring and drawing to find the creative mind that I had. I love colors so I thought maybe it will help me to relax and to concentrate. This process helps a lot to concentrate on one thing at a time. Probably this might sound crazy or very childish as coloring books are mostly for kids but I thought I should start doing something that I used to love in my childhood. I keep the coloring book with me all the time so that whenever I want, I can focus on coloring. Even sometimes I sit outside and focus only on coloring the drawings. It's satisfying. I have some problems in life that are almost impossible to solve and those issues give me a lot of stress. So, to avoid extra stress, I started this process by myself.
Last 2 days I have been busy fixing my laptop. I don't know much about computer programming so I asked for help. The benefit of living in the shelter is, you will find anyone from any profession at a low cost to fix/solve your problematic things. So, I got help fixing my laptop issue temporarily.
Stress is a killer and it never allows me to think straight. I am doing what I can control but some things are beyond my control level and to fix those I only can rely on time...
P.S.: every day I consider writing something nice, and positive but I always end up writing shitty, boring daily life stories and feelings. It shows that I am not normal...
Love
Priyan...
I am
.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
Find me on:
All images used are captured by the author...