I have forgotten when the last time I cried properly because tears are now dry. There are no more tears left for me I think. I have lost time track, lost everything and this kind of feeling is devastating. This is a scar that will always stay with me no matter where I go, I won't be able to leave it behind. My 6 years life turned into ashes, not only mine but every Ukrainian's life. Can you even imagine how it feels living in a basement for 9 days in the cold? Sometimes no water, no internet or no electricity, sometimes horrible sound at midnight and you just beg to god to live for the next day. I forgot how many times I beg God for my life, I forgot how many times I was hoping to see my family again. Words were constantly repeated in my brain, will I be alive? What if I die tomorrow...
My city has been destroyed, Kharkiv destroyed. I never thought that I will see such days in life. The first 3 days we all were praying that this will be over soon but gradually days passed and the situation started getting worsen day by day. People from my apartment building started to leave and all foreigners left except me. I tried to stay thinking that maybe this situation is temporary, it will be over soon but when Freedom Square was Destroyed, residential buildings were being bombed, I understood this is it, it is impossible to live in Kharkiv...
There was a time I just stayed in the basement with my dog without eating anything, I didn't have the energy to go home and prepare something. I was hungry but because of fear, panic, I couldn't eat anything. My hands had turned like sandpaper, my body weak and dehydrated. Taking shower and care of health was a dream, I couldn't even go home for 5 minutes because my area situation was the worst. I don't know whether you know what happened to Kharkiv city or not but seeing the condition of the city where I started my life 6 years ago really breaks my heart.
For the First 2-to to 3 days, living in the basement was okay but slowly the entire basement had turned into a hell place. There was no heating system, dust everywhere. People started leaving the shelter and left all their belongings and foods which gradually started rotten. The smell was horrible, dust was everywhere and there was no way to wash clothes. It was hard to sleep and stay in the basement. People were panicked and they fleed whenever they got the chance, leaving everything, and slowly the whole area became an unhealthy atmosphere. Metro station was far away from my home, 10 minutes walk and it was so risky to shift myself there. There was no place to hide except the basement.
My landlord stayed connected with me, he said hold on, this will be over soon. But it was hard to live in such a hell, rotten place beside the noise, the sounds of shelling, and explosions made me physically mentally weak. I don't know what hell looks like but because of safety, I choose to stay in an unhealthy basement just to keep myself safe. After 1 week, I was like nothing, I had no feeling, no tears even I stopped feeling cold. The clothes were dirty, I looked like a homeless beggar. I even stopped calling my dad or stopped sending him my photos because I knew he will cry and will become sick. I lost everything and I was not ready to lose my dad and my sister.
Perhaps, inside I was ready to accept the death, I started hallucinating and I forgot what the real world looks like. I don't know what people think about me or what they expect from me because I have nothing to give, nothing to lose.
My life, my career, and my home completely destroyed :)
I am really grateful for all of your support, prayer and love...
If you want to help me or donate to me, you can contact me on my social media... It would be really helpful.
