“Just being a woman is God’s gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. She shows a man what is sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman.” These are the winning lines of Ms. Sushmita Sen, the first Indian crowned as Miss Universe in 1994. But for me, more than being a mother, the essence of a woman is endurance.
It was on the 10th day of April when I knew I was pregnant. I was very happy, excited and thrilled to share this good news to my better half, Albert. As expected, he is as glad as me. Hoping our baby is a girl so that we’ll have a perfect pair for my first-born son. Well, this was not the first time of me to have a baby bump, but no pregnancy is the same…
I regularly visit my ob-gyn during check-ups. I took all the prescribed vitamins and shoots yet it seems not enough.
To my surprise I have a red stain on my underwear, something that should not be happening. This is not good! This is terrible, then tears begun to flow on my cheeks then I was immediately informed my doctor. It was a sub chorionic hemorrhage. I was advised to do bed rest for a month. No other tablets except for the vitamins and bed rest.
As a woman, as a mother I have to endure it all. I have to follow the doctor. Bed rest. I have to rest on the bed. No moving. Bed rest for a month. Cannot carry my 3-year-old son, so tickling with him during bed time, cannot feed him, cannot play with him, I have to stop what I used to do for a month. And I did it. I did it because I want to save my baby. every little kick makes me very happy. It gives me an assurance that he is strong and is holding on as much as I want him to hold on.
After a month I was very pleased to know it works. It seems as though my sweet sacrifices has been paid off. I immediate hug and cuddle my first-born Lester on the last day of my bed rest and took a selfie picture. Then later visited my doctor. When I thought all is well is a big NO, after the ultrasound it was found out I have placenta previa. I am on my HIGH RISK of pregnancy. My doctor asked me to do repeat ultrasound on the bigger hospital. I have to go to the city where COVID-19 cases is high and we did it in the middle of pandemic. Yes, I was anxious and worried considering COVID-19 is very contagious but my love is bigger than fear.
My family has been my steady rock during my motherhood journey. They’re the once assisting me in the middle of pandemic just in time I was pregnant where no friends be seen because of work from home arrangement. I was loved as much as they love my baby bump. However, God works in ways we cannot see. We have to live by faith not by sight. And this was the biggest challenge I ever face in my twenty-eight years of existence. I gave birth to a pre-term baby which is 28 weeks old, a one-kilogram baby.
There is no other pain for mother not to able to see and carry her baby. We were apart. I was in the provincial hospital, still bleeding and he was on the bigger hospital where warmer/incubator exist in the city. I have to wait for the doctor’s discharge order so that I can follow him. Due to financial instability we were not sent together. Medical and health services in the Philippines is too high and not all are born with golden spoon. This is the sad reality in the Philippines where best medical care is only for the rich and us, a middle earner, my 61-year-old mother needs to beg and kneel so my baby will be entertained and be given the best treatment in private hospital.
After 3 days, I immediately ask our Municipal Hall to ride the vehicle service (it was difficult to travel that time because it was at the peak of pandemic, we were under Enhanced Community Quarantine) and praise God they approved my request.
It was a mixed of happiness and sadness. I cannot stare my baby, my innocent baby boy Brentt. How I wish it is me not him to be in pain. I cry in silence every shoot administered to him. When I hear him cry I feel glad because it is his way of saying, “Mama Nin, I am fighting… so you too…”, even now I’m typing this, I can’t help but cry. Year 2020 was still fresh, vivid and scar isn’t healed yet. I keep on crying and earnestly praying almost every hour. I have chaplet with me, novena, rosary, I ask different group of prayer warriors regardless of religion.
It is true, God is with us, He hears me. He listens to me and to all the people who prayed with me. God performed miracles no more murmuring sound was heard in the stethoscope, no more drained on his OGT and most especially my little baby can tolerate my 10 mL breastmilk through OGT. God sent instruments to help us especially with our expenses. I am a very private person, my social media account like facebook is set to friends only setting but because of this experience I realized it is good to ask help from other people. To be honest I am not used of doing so. It is me who give a hand and help people in need, but this time is different. I am helpless. It is me and my baby who need help. Then I realized, it is not bad to reach out to the community most especially if it is the best thing to do. It is not selfishness but selfless act of service.
Some believed while others don’t but I do not care, because I know this is for my baby. I don’t have any penny I want to save my baby, my brave innocent baby. Indeed, we were able to raise some amount for his medications but that was not enough. Pediatric Intensive Care Unit cost not lower than twenty thousand per day because of its apparatus excluding the doctors fee. As for now we still have an outstanding balance of seven hundred eighty-three thousand five hundred four pesos.
Yet more than money our worst enemy is the health stability. Since he was 28-week old baby the doctors warned us that his vital organs are not fully developed yet. The Neonatal Doctor informed us together with the Infection Disease Specialist that the time is almost over.
Sometimes life is not worth living if we are drowned to our despair. This is the toughest reality that we living human being needs to accept. In one sense God’s will is something that will always happen no matter what. This is sometimes called God’s sovereign will. When God states that something will happen, it does and no matter how hard we try, we cannot stop death.
My brave baby Brentt joined the band of angels on October 17, 2020 at exactly 4:10 in the afternoon. He died on my own arms while I am praying with him, husband on my side. I whispered a prayer. I keep on talking to him while my child stared at me, his very innocent eyes with tears I saw. While I am crying, I bravely said in panting sound, “Anak, I will always be your Mama Nin. I will always love you, and I thank God for letting me borrow you for forty-seven days. I know you don’t want to go, I know you don’t want to leave Mama Nin because you feel loved, you are surrounded with love and you know how much you mean to me. But Brentt, if Mama Nin loves you so much we have another Mother up there who is much better than me. A mother who will love you more that I do. She will carry and cuddle you. That mother is Mama Mary. To her I cry too. Anak, from now on, its Mama Mary who will carry you…. I love You. Please tell Jesus thank you for letting me have you even for a while, even for forty seven days. You are one of His bravest angels I love you….”
