It happens so slowly that by the time you realize that you have been engulfed in an invisibility cloak, it becomes too heavy to shake off. During the 280 days of pregnancy, the fetus becomes priority and your health matters only in relation to the baby's.Your hormones turn against you and your very own body places another being above you. And once the baby is born, it slowly feels like the love everyone once had for you has either shifted completely to your precious little one or has been halved at best, with you getting the shorter end of the love-stick.
The hardest part of postpartum depression is the chronic guilt that seems to eat at your soul; the recurrent negative voice admonishing you for being ungrateful for the baby that you have. And, oh how we believe that voice. We criticize ourselves, force our emotions into a sense of false and destructive positivity and wear a mask of maternal glory so that no one will see that we are breaking on the inside.
It is a very lonely time, even with the best of partners, family or friends. No-body can feel the cocktail of hormones waging war within and few understand the intense responsibility and fear you feel towards your new role as mother. I am not speaking as a psychologist or one who has read intensely on the matter, but as a mother of less than 3 months feeling like I am drowning and grieving for the person I used to be while disappointed in myself for not loving the mother that I am now.
Motherhood is intense and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It is a brave and worthy sacrifice that we have made; and while we may not feel like it, we can liken ourselves to conquerors who overcame and are still waging war with massive obstacles. So before you hustle on reading the rest of this article, close your eyes for at least five deep breaths and repeat to yourself with each one ‘My strength is sufficient for today because God IS my strength’. You may not yet believe the mantra you just spoke out loud, but it is as true as the reality of your personhood.
Simply because of the fact that while your heart is flooded with unimaginable love for the life that you helped create: the endless worrying, the struggle of breastfeeding, the sleep deprivation, the barrage of unwanted opinions and subtle denunciation, the constant crying of the baby that you love, which seems to break your heart every time, healing from the pain of delivery and slowly trying to look after yourself, you are still here and you keep going on.
It is important to know that you are not alone; and the more we are brave enough to actually share our feelings and offer the little tips that have helped us to remain slightly peaceful and somewhat sane, the less shame and insecurity we feel as mothers with extra emotional needs. So here it goes, below are my very humble suggestions to remain thankful, self-aware while blossoming in a season that seems never-ending:
First things first: self-love. It is one of those words that get thrown around by mass media so much so that its true meaning often gets lost on us. One thing is true right now, we are embracing new bodies, new patterns and new relationship dynamics; all of which may not be easily loveable. Accept yourself as you are right now, and that is vitally important as we accept the reality that we are mothers. It is natural to crave who we once were or daydream about a future that looks very different to our present circumstances, but mindfulness is key.
Accept your new body size, your new occupation as mother (for it is indeed a worthy job) and your changing relationship with those in your life. Acceptance comes with tolerance, so that means no more negative self-talk about the body that proved to be a hub for creation and life sustenance. .
Tolerance also means rediscovering ways to enjoy social relationships rather than demanding that things go back to the way they were pre-baby. This may mean losing the guilt you feel for not being your ‘old self’, communicating with your partner about what love looks and feels like for you right now and peacefully taking a break from everyone who demands more than you can supply from your limited tank of energy.
Self-love is difficult, but it is the one thing that you must never let diminish. Your unfiltered love towards yourself and the dedication that it yields towards a better mental health space is critical.
- A shower or a bath - This is one of the few everyday things that I have turned into mini-pockets of Godly meditation. To start off, you want to invest in a soap, either from a cheap brand or a luxury one, but with a strong soothing scent; think coconut, vanilla, lavender or something floral. Whether you have only five minutes or fifteen, take at least a full minute to close your eyes and just engage your senses. Let the aroma help quieten your mind; you don't need to task your brain with thoughts at this time, just soak in the fragrance. Then tune your soul towards the all-embracing and non-judgemental water that surrounds you. Embracing the lightness yet power that water holds as it cascades over your body; and with each drop or splash focus on the concept that you can feel as light and paper-thin as water yet remain multidimensional, nourishing and a source of wholesomeness. I personally have found a revelation in taking baths/showers in the dark, with just the light from the hallway making sure any risks are mitigated.
I feel like I have escaped my environment and can fully allow the healing ebb of the process to soothe me. I am not worried about my body image or tempted to speed through the exercise when there is no need to; I embrace the coolness of the dark as a friend and let it momentarily blind my fixation on what needs to be done around the house.
- Staring out of an open window: As ridiculous as this may sound, I have found it particularly useful for the following reasons. Firstly, being the main caretaker of a child means that your brain can sometimes feel foggy with only baby-thoughts running amok; looking outside reminds you that the world has not disappeared. The sun still shines according to its own rhythm, and if you allow yourself a moment to let the Holy Spirit speak, you will hear Him tell you to do the same. Some days and at different times, we shine incredibly bright and with passions that burn with fierce heat; but it is equally okay to give a gentle peak of light or take a break altogether.
An open window re-introduces you to your old friend, the wind. Sometimes incredibly quiet while still actively making music that causes leaves to dance and hair twirl; at other time, the wind feels intense, harsh and seems desperate to make its presence felt. Both dimensions of the wind are acceptable, natural and demonstrate the intrinsic beauty of the earth. Look outside and allow yourself to be like the wind; whoever you need to be today, as long as you and baby are safe, is ok and remember you can always seek help
- Movement: I had to have an emergency c-section so I know how hard it is to move intentionally when in physical pain. To drive the point home, at some point, I deliberately avoided eating or drinking just to save myself the unwanted agony of a trip to the bathroom. But movement is one thing that is as aligned to nature as breathing is to our lungs. Whatever does not move eventually becomes stagnant, and we are aiming for the direct opposite: a pure, ever-growing and flourishing soul. I use the word ‘soul’ intentionally because we too often think of movement as exercise and associate that with weight loss or body aesthetics.
Your soul is the untainted part of you that holds everything that convicts and subconsciously guides your way of life. Movement can be in the form of making deliberate waves and splashes in the bath; intentional rolls and gentle stretches in bed or even a gentle walk around the house, mindfully connecting your feet with the earth and reminding yourself to be grounded.
The temptation to curl up in bed and wait for better days can be overwhelming, but all I am asking you to do is to put one foot in front of the other, figuratively, and keep going.
The Holy Ghost is your Helper this season; embrace Him.