For the first time, mom found out they’re having another baby; what are your thoughts?
I had a weird feeling back then. Though I am excited, all the worries from my previous pregnancies are just flashbacks. It’s a different and new experience; the excitement is mixed with worries. It’s unplanned, and we are not expecting to have another baby. Nathan, my eldest, has been the world to us. As I am happy he’s having a sibling a playmate, why do I have this in mind? How could I possibly love this new one? I feel all the love is with my eldest. What if I will have less time with Nathan? What would be the impact on him having a sibling? I also worry that Nathan will be neglected, and he will feel jealous. As I was also working back then in a corporate office, I felt the time to spend with him was not enough, so I made sure to treat him out during my off. Bring him wherever I go, like in the market, at the store or even going with friends or just visiting a family. I doubted and felt that I hadn’t spent most of the time yet with my eldest and now had another baby. Theres, a lot of questions, pressures and I want him to feel that he’s still our baby. But how can I love this new baby when I think of Nathan only. I already have this mind to make sure we still have this mom and son bond. I can’t believe that he will be a Kuya, maybe?
I am also excited to share that he will be a big brother with him. As I expected, he was pleased and excited. The worries have lessened; he loves to be a big brother. We are now excited to have this another bundle of joy. My plans have changed; I planned to finish my studies back then and find a part-time job. I just felt I needed to improve and be successful for Nathan’s future. My plan is all set prior we found out about the pregnancy. I found a job near the university I chose and passed the entrance exam. By the way, I’m incoming 3rd year in Nursing, and I want to finish a degree either continue the course or shift to Psychology. I have my requirements prepared and how to manage my salary to sustain my needs. I am also planning to get into the student loan program. I am so excited about finishing school and proving myself I can do it. I was 27 at that time, and I already picture in mind that I would be finishing it after two years. Everything happens for a reason, as what I want to believe. I won’t blame or anything about the new baby; he’s a blessing, and it’s a gift from our creator. So the plan has changed; I need to stop working due to pregnancy and not continue my studies. It’s not for me, maybe. I have another priority now, and I need to set a new plan not for me now; it’s already for their future and dreams.
The pregnancy with Gab is different. I have this morning sickness and am picky with food. No other complication as we found it early, and we have all the checkups and precautions for our new baby. I am happy whatever will be the gender, but Nat wants a baby brother. I already imagine he wants a playmate, and I hope that time for a boy. He always comes with me to visit my OB, and I always want him to see and witness the journey of the new baby. You will see the excitement with him when he is about to hear the baby in mommy’s tummy. He cant wait. He loves talking to the baby on my tummy and singing nursery rhymes. I was still in the moment of how can I take care of the two of them. I am afraid and battling with my emotions. I need to be a good mom for both of them, but I don’t feel the love for the second child yet. I think it is so unfair on that part for Gabby.
We scheduled the D-day because I will deliver him via cesarean. It was just like magic; I just felt the love and bond. Maybe that is how it works or just in me? I’m so in love with the new baby, and I can’t wait to join him with our treats and eat out with Nat. He’s so adorable and looks like Nat. The feeling of being unwanted at first has been changed. It’s now all I wanted and all that I needed. He’s my son, I love, and I will protect him no matter what. He’s a new milestone in my life. I’ve been a hands-on mom with the two of them, and I just decided not to go back to the corporate office. I have all the panic and anxiety attacks leaving them. I can’t even sleep at night watching over Gab, making sure he’s okay the whole night. I sleep during the day as I know everyone is active, and they can help me look after him while I sleep. I just had this anxiety because of what happened to Nathan, and it was also a night when I had this terrifying incident that still haunts me up to this day. I can take away my eyes on him and watch him making sure his breathing; I have this paranoia. I am also on the watch with Nat; he likes to see the hands and the feet; I am just afraid he would bite him. I have a lot of overthinking for the new baby to be safe. I am also scared we may squish him when he’s beside our bed or Nat makes him his pillow. I have all the fear, which makes me more worried almost every day. Even just a simple cold, I want him to be checked by Pedia. I want to hear his okay or if he needs medicine to take. I had created all these fears for what happened before when I was just a first-time mom with Nat, and I don’t even want to remember that day.
Day by day, Gab is growing, and Nathan has been a very protective and understanding brother. He never showed jealousy about Gab. He already has this big brother trait to take care of his baby bro. Gab is now turning four, and I want to share how naughty he was. He was the opposite of Nat. They have different traits and behaviors; most likely, Gab is always in trouble with his Kuya. I’m thankful to Nat; he’s supportive, kind, and understanding to Gab. There are times I think we will have this headache with Gab. But I am still hoping it’s just because of being a kid. He’s just turning four, and I can’t have him act like Nathan; his way was different when he was his age. When he was just two, Nathan’s already matured thinking and could have a little conversation. For Gab, he’s still playing around, and it’s very minimal for you to get a normal conversation. He always cries when he needs something. I think we over limit him too. But I hope it’s just now as he is still a baby for us. He and his Kuya are still my babies. They are growing too fast, and I can’t help but think of someday of them doing on their own. I still want those hugs and kisses from them.
It was a great transition now as a mother from my dreams to having their dreams come true. It was not a perfect journey, but my children taught me all the lessons I needed to know. I have learned a lot of things being a mother, and day to day, they teach me lessons and things to remember in life. I wouldn’t have thought I would be in this situation now. I am a mom of two and making sure to have all the best for them. I want to give everything that I can get them. For me, it’s my responsibility and my obligation as a parent to provide them with a better and decent life.
An open letter for my babies. I know you can’t read this for now, but maybe soon as this blog is all over the internet. Mommy loves the two of you to infinity.
To my baby, my youngest child, sorry if mommy doubted my love for you first. I have mixed emotions that I feel my time spent with Kuya as a baby is not enough yet. I felt not ready too. I am also afraid that the time will be divided, as I want full attention on him growing. As I am looking at you now, my baby, you’ve been so sweet to all of us, and you are so adorable. You added joy and happiness to our lives. Your smiles and sweet gestures are melting me. You and Kuya are moms’ worlds now. We will do our very best to give you what life has to offer. The two of you have been my weakness and also my strength. I am motivated daily, and I also cherish working at home to monitor you even while working. I can’t even go somewhere else without you two with me. I can never stand a day without you two near me. Thank you for being good and understanding to mommy’s mood swings sometimes. It’s a girl thing. :)
To Kuya, thank you so much for the understanding and such an adorable and loving Kuya to your younger brother. Your patience for him and to share what you have is something I want to witness up until you two are grown up. I know he’s a little naughty most of the time, but your love for him cannot be measured. You had waited for him and talked to him when he was still in mommy’s tummy; how are you excited to meet him. You always brag to everyone that you both are much alike; I agree with that. When you tolerate your baby brother with the toys or being at my side when we sleep, I know how hard it is for you, but you choose to be a good Kuya for him and understand how mommy’s struggles.
