Hello to all the amazing parents in this community.
Today, I want to share with you a grieving loss I experienced way back.
For some time, I did not have plans to add another baby yet. Ithought I still needed to strengthen myself as a person to become an excellent mom. Also with the economy we have now, raising a child is truly difficult-everything is expensive, and I am afraid I cannot give them the best with the situation we are in.
Although we settled with that thought, deep inside I still desired and was excited about the idea of having another child, especially since it has been 5 years since my last pregnancy. I also see my son playing alone, and it feels like he has nobody to play with in the house. I think of the time when he grows up, and when we grow old and eventually leave this world, he might not have someone to lean on when adversities come his way.
I grew up in a big family, and with my parents already old, I am deeply thankful to my siblings because we always have each other’s backs in times of trouble. That’s the beautiful benefit of having siblings. I was used to this kind of family support, and I want it for my son too ❤️
Then came the time when we let go of our decision of not having another baby yet, and instead chose to leave it all to destiny-if it happens, it happens.
Later on, I realized I hadn’t had my period for about two months. I didn’t think much about it in the first month, because I thought it was just an irregular period, which I sometimes experience. I also thought it could have been caused by the medicines I took for pneumonia and UTI, which I was diagnosed with during the third week of the first month.
I started to notice changes-loss of appetite, frequent nausea, aversion to food, and an unusual urge to sleep in the afternoons (something I normally don’t do). These were all new to me, because in my first pregnancy I did not experience such symptoms. That’s when I suspected I might be pregnant. I tested with a urine PT, and it came out positive.
Still, I was doubtful, thinking maybe it was a false result. Since I was very busy and financially tight, I had not gone to see a doctor right away. Even through the doubts I was still very excited if ever I am pregnant.
I told my husband about it too and he was happy and excited if it's true and he kept touching my belly.
Then one day, I noticed a very little blood coming out. I thought it was just spotting, which many pregnant women experience due to implantation bleeding or hormonal changes. I immediately went to the doctor. She gave me vitamins usually prescribed to pregnant women and advised me to take rest, reassuring me that it might just be normal spotting.
But one morning, when I woke up and went to the restroom, I noticed more blood on my underwear. Nervous, I immediately went back to the doctor.
The doctor requested a blood PT Serum first to confirm the pregnancy then a TVS ultrasound after to check the condition of the fetus. The blood test came back positive, but the ultrasound showed abnormal development.
The result was an Anembryonic Pregnancy.
The doctor explained that An anembryonic pregnancy or blighted ovum is an early miscarriage that happens when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but the embryo does not develop, or stops developing very early. The pregnancy sac continues to grow and the body still produces pregnancy hormones, which is why tests can show positive and symptoms like nausea or fatigue may still appear. This condition is usually caused by random genetic abnormalities during cell division, and it is not the mother’s fault. It is sadly common in the first trimester, but many women go on to have healthy pregnancies afterward.
I felt extremely sad at that time and didn’t know what to do. Walking down the street to go home, all I could think of was that the baby inside me was gone. I felt like I had neglected the pregnancy, that it was my fault I lost it. I felt guilty and kept thinking I should have done better. Even the doctor explained that it wasn't my fault. I never expected something like this would happen to me-I had only heard about it from other mothers.
Then night came after a day I recieve the devastating news, the fetus released itself naturally. I felt some physical pain, but the bleeding was not heavy-just two large clots, and then it stopped. It was manageable, so I decided to go to the doctor the next morning instead, because I was not ready and felt so confused and afraid. Glad my husband was there to comfort me.
I couldn’t stop feeling guilty about everything. I kept thinking I could have had a baby in 9 months. In fact, I had already started adding baby essentials to my cart in preparation. But unfortunately, I lost it. Maybe it wasn’t our time yet. Maybe it wasn’t meant for us now.
I pray that God will bless us in the right time, according to His will.
And I also pray that He will help me forgive myself too 🥺
That’s all. Thank you for reading ❤️