From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I knew there would be changes in my life, I just didn't know the magnitude of them. The women around me would tell me about their experiences for me to learn from, but none of them mentioned how hard it would be to resume the womanly life you have before becoming a mother. However, I didn't know until now. It has taken me almost 2 years to realize that there is a feeling that I can't get rid of even when I feel confident about my baby's well-being. Since he was born, he has depended on me for nourishment, I chose to exclusively breastfeed and that required my presence at all hours of the day without leaving a few feet away from my son. As time has passed, he has grown, he has learned to eat very well and although I continue breastfeeding, I still feel the need to be near him all the time, even though it is not necessary and I could go back to my old life, there is an inevitable feeling that prevents me from doing so: guilt.
No puedo negar que extraño la libertad que tenía antes de ser madre; salir y llegar a la hora que quisiera, una fiesta de último momento, despertar tarde, dormir siestas largas, comer comida caliente, ir de vacaciones con mis amigas, salir sola a hacer diligencias como al banco, el centro comercial y todo en menos de medio día, quisiera volver a realizarlas con la naturalidad de antes. Trato de hacerlo cuando ha sido debidamente necesario, pero el sentimiento de culpa cuando lo dejo me invade, eso no me deja estar tranquila; siento que el debería estar conmigo todo el tiempo, nadie lo va cuidar mejor de lo que yo lo hago, si le algo malo le pasa estando bajo cuidado de alguien mas no me lo voy a perdonar, tengo la necesidad de llamar a cada 20 minutos para mantenerme tranquila mientras estoy ocupada, porque no importa lo que esté haciendo, mis pensamientos se quedan con él.
I can't deny that I miss the freedom I had before being a mother; going out and arriving at the time I wanted, a last minute party, waking up late, taking long naps, eating hot food, going on vacation with my friends, going out alone to run errands like to the bank, the mall and all in less than half a day, I would like to do them again as naturally as before. I try to do it when it has been properly necessary, but the feeling of guilt when I leave him invades me, that does not let me be calm; I feel that he should be with me all the time, no one will take care of him better than I do, if something bad happens to him being under someone else's care I will not forgive myself, I have the need to call every 20 minutes to keep me calm while I am busy, because no matter what I am doing, my thoughts stay with him.
Hemos tratado junto con mi esposo incluirlos en los planes para pasarla bien, pero la realidad es otra; un niño de 2 años no se queda tranquilo en un solo sitio, debe recorrer el lugar, tocar todo lo que consigue, correr, saltar cosa que requiere de mi total cuidado, al final el plan se transforma en una salida centrada en él. Es una edad difícil en la que no puede estar sin supervisión, menos en lugares públicos. Hacer planes que lo incluyan nos resta tiempo de calidad como pareja y la razón de la salida al llevar el bebé se centraría solo en él. No me quejo, El tiempo que paso con mi hijo y lo veo divertirse me hace sentir totalmente plena y feliz, pero, por otro lado, la parte de mí que es esposa admite lo injusto que es para mi pareja, estoy segura que el también disfruta cuando su hijo se divierte pero también quiere pasar un poco de tiempo conmigo, al menos pocas horas al mes, y eso, no debería hacerme sentir culpable.
We have tried together with my husband to include them in the plans to have a good time, but the reality is different; a 2 year old child does not stay quiet in one place, he must go around the place, touch everything he gets, run, jump something that requires my total care, in the end the plan becomes an outing centered on him. It's a difficult age where he can't be unsupervised, let alone in public places. Making plans that include him takes away from our quality time as a couple and the reason for the outing when carrying the baby would be focused only on him. I am not complaining, The time I spend with my son and watching him have fun makes me feel totally fulfilled and happy, but, on the other hand, the wife part of me admits how unfair it is to my partner, I am sure he also enjoys when his son has fun but he also wants to spend a little time with me, at least a few hours a month, and that, should not make me feel guilty.
Por ahora, retomar mi vida de antes que incluía ser esposa, hermana, prima, mejor amiga y compañera de trabajo ha sido una lucha entre llevarlo a cabo y sentir culpa. Simplemente no puedo evitar esa sensación de preocupación y decirme a mí misma: ’’La estoy pasando muy bien, necesito a mi hijo porque quizás él no lo esté haciendo’’ y querer volver a casa con él. Algunas me dicen: ‘’Deberías dejar de sentir culpa, estará muy bien al lado de tu madre, no todas tenemos esa ayuda’’ están en lo cierto, pero, nada me da más seguridad que tenerlo yo a mi cuidado, encontrarme fuera de casa haciendo algo diferente que no incluya tenerlo a mi cargo, me hace disfrutar menos de la actividad que esté haciendo; no importa si es tomándome un café, platicando con una amiga el centro comercial, salir sola al banco siento la necesidad de volver rápido a tener en los brazos a mi hijo.
For now, resuming my former life that included being a wife, sister, cousin, best friend and co-worker has been a struggle between going through with it and feeling guilty. I just can't shake that feeling of worry and tell myself: ''I'm having a great time, I need my son because maybe he's not doing it'' and wanting to come home to him. Some people tell me: ''You should stop feeling guilty, he will be fine with your mother, not all of us have that help'' they are right, but, nothing gives me more security than having him in my care, being away from home doing something different that does not include having him in my care, makes me enjoy less the activity I am doing; no matter if it is having a coffee, chatting with a friend at the mall, going out alone to the bank, I feel the need to return quickly to have my son in my arms.
En esas noches de insomnio que suelo tener, ronda mi cabeza ese sentimiento de culpa que me genera salir sin él. Sentimientos opuestos luchan en mi mente, al final termino estando de acuerdo con lo mismo; tomar un descanso de la casa y de los cuidados de mi bebé no es egoísta, no tengo porque sentirme de esa manera, de hecho, debería hacerlo con más frecuencia, retomar mi vida de mujer unas pocas veces al mes me llena de seguridad y confianza para seguir desenvolviéndome en mi papel de madre y esposa. Tener citas con mi pareja me hace sentir feliz, esa felicidad que siempre necesito para transmitírla en la crianza de mi bebé porque sé que llegar a casa regenerada luego de un respiro y verlo bien me hará sentir que habrá valido la pena.
In those sleepless nights that I usually have, that feeling of guilt that generates me to go out without him haunts my head. Opposing feelings fight in my mind, in the end I end up agreeing with the same thing; taking a break from the house and taking care of my baby is not selfish, I don't have to feel that way, in fact, I should do it more often, resuming my life as a woman a few times a month fills me with security and confidence to continue performing my role as a mother and wife. Having dates with my partner makes me feel happy, that happiness I always need to transmit it in the upbringing of my baby because I know that coming home regenerated after a break and seeing him well will make me feel that it will have been worth it.
Inspirado en el texto de una seguidora de la cuenta de Instagram 
Inspired in the text of a follower in the Instagram account
Las imágenes son de mi autoria
The images are my own
Use el editor de imagenes de la app Pickmonkey
Use the image editor of the Pickmonkey app
Para la traduccion usé DeepL
For the translation I used the translator DeepL
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