Hi!
- made by me
Today, I wish to make this post about the importance of kindness in couple relationships. My main purpose is to offer some personal beliefs mixed with research that I have done over the years, in order to understand how I can have a healthy couple relationship, based not only on trust, admiration, passion or other things, but also on showing, expressing and receiving kindness.
I hope this post finds you well and that it shall serve the same purpose to you, too.
Although love, understanding, connection, sincerity, assertive communication and quality sex life are the basis for a healthy couple relationship, the truth and what makes these aspects can manifest this goodness. Being a good person is an essential quality to be able to create harmonious and beautiful relationships with those around you.
Various psychologists and researchers who follow and research the longevity and emotional health of couples have noticed that a common value among happy and long-lasting couples is that of KINDNESS.
With so many healthy ingredients springing from kindness, the only result of this type of behavior can only be positive, high in vibration, and bringing even more good.
Human relationships are built on collaboration, communication and connection. And kindness is a behavior that brings people together. They say good attracts good. When we show kindness to those around us, we will receive a positive reaction back from them. Kindness reduces the emotional distance between people, reduces the number of negative states and facilitates cooperation and good understanding.
Furthermore, we can see that kindness spreads: when we are kind to those around us, we inspire them to do the same, propagating a positive domino effect. Psychologists say that some of the most important sources of happiness are related to personal fulfillment, interpersonal relationships and feelings such as love, compassion, generosity or kindness. Giving is a noble gesture that transcends the boundaries of individualism and provides a sense of belonging to a higher purpose.
Kindness is generous behavior that benefits both the giver and the receiver. On the one hand, we, as authors, will be more satisfied with ourselves, more satisfied that we can bring joy to the lives of those around us, we will feel connected to them. Numerous studies show that the giver actually experiences a deeper sense of happiness than the receiver. At the same time, of course, our kindness will bring joy to the lives of those we show it to.
As for the couple, kindness brings special benefits, because all the vital energy is directed towards cooperation and conveying the message: I care about you, I am interested in what you have to say, tell me more about yourself and your interests, I am here for you.
Thus, this value provides the two partners with the fulfillment of their psychological needs to feel connected, to feel that each one matters, that they are significant for the other and encouraged to fulfill their dreams and expectations with which they entered the relationship as a couple. Kindness has the gift of awakening courage and a sense of security in partners, otherwise vital in a competitive world.
Sometimes it is necessary for only one person important to you to believe in you, for you to feel safe and to encourage you to be better and more dedicated to your purpose. Through kindness practiced daily in the couple relationship, a sense of belonging and security is instilled. Anyone who feels the benefits of kindness firsthand can recognize from within the increase in self-esteem and the disposition to further reward or somehow return the kindness received.
Reciprocity doesn't take long to appear. Kindness poured into a couple brings comfort and peace of mind, and partners are more generous in putting US ahead of ME. Thus, not only the couple benefits, but the entire family and community to which the two belong.
John Gottman is one of the most important researchers in couple relationships. In 1986, he founded "The Love Lab," starting to gather various findings regarding healthy relationships.
He conducted interviews with newly married couples, attaching electrodes to the partners' bodies to measure their reactions to discussions about how they met, about a major conflict, about pleasant memories together. After 6 years, Gottman wanted to see which couples were still together and invited them for interviews again. Based on the analysis of the physiological results obtained with the help of electrodes attached to the partners' bodies, Gottman's conclusions were that couples fall into two categories: Masters - those who were still happy together, and Disasters - those who either had separated in the meantime or were no longer happy together. And the difference is made by physiological activity. The more physiologically active the couples were (intense heartbeats, active sweat glands, accelerated blood circulation, etc.), the more their relationship deteriorated over time because they were constantly operating on the "fight or flight" principle.
Researchers observed that the Masters were very calm during the initial interviews, even when they had conflicts, they resolved them without agitation or raising their voices. The Disasters were agitated, always in a state of attack and conflict, even when recounting their beautiful moments. Furthermore, Gottman created a laboratory that looked like a beautiful inn for couples. There he invited 130 newly married couples on vacation, whom he watched as they went about their lives: cooking, washing, cleaning, etc. Immediately, Gottman made a major discovery, which seemed to provide the answer to the question "Why do some couples make it and others don't?". It's about bids for connection, which Gottman calls "bids", and partners' reactions to them. In couples where the partner responds to the other's need for connection with openness and interest, their relationship has every chance of enduring over time. Where partners do not react, or even more, are bothered by the request for connection, they either divorce or stay together out of compromise, not being happy. Simply by observing this behavior, Gottman can predict which couples will stay together and which will not.
In the case of the Masters, partners are inclined to notice all the good, admirable things the other does, while in the case of the Disasters, they only look for mistakes or things worthy of criticism that the other does. Of course, where the emphasis is on positive things, kindness comes into play and is cultivated. And where the focus is on negative things and criticism, kindness disappears.
Mutual expression of affection for each other saves the marriage.
The subject of kindness as an ingredient in the longevity of a happy couple is also raised by Danièle Balmelle, a marriage counselor at the French Association of Marriage Counseling Centers (A.F.C.C.C). Author of studies on couple relationships, Daniele Balmelle argues that when both partners know how to express kindness to each other, the relationship is safe.
She believes that there are several ways in which we can be kind to each other, and all these gestures offer the partner security, peace of mind, and trust. Kindness seems to be the only link that can truly keep two people together.
"The first step towards kindness is to touch your partner even when you're not in bed," explains the French specialist. "Married people, especially those with children, often forget to hold hands, to tenderly kiss each other on the cheek, or simply to kiss each other like two infatuated teenagers, even if they are in public. Both partners must feel loved and treated differently than strictly as objects of sexual pleasure," says Balmelle. There is nothing more important than holding hands with your loved one when you are going through a difficult time.
The second step is to make a habit of being kind and tender to each other, even if you don't necessarily have the required disposition or you have some reproaches to make about your partner's behavior. For example, a loving husband who comes home does not just throw himself on the couch in front of the TV only interested in the dinner menu but listens to his wife (even if sometimes this may seem like a real ordeal!), massages his wife's shoulders, and tries to calm her down when she is worried about various work or domestic issues. Even if the wife does not always express her gratitude immediately, she will know that her husband is just as tired and needs relaxation too, and over time, she will appreciate her husband's efforts to maintain calm and balance in the marriage.
"There are couples who put toothpaste on each other's toothbrush, or situations when the wife prepares lunch for the husband, or waits for him awake when he has to work late," says the specialist in couple issues. These true rituals, in which the two make small sacrifices for each other, have the gift of making the one with whom you live feel that they can rely on their partner. It is a daily message that the partner resonates on the same wavelength, that they are ready to help anytime, and that they do it with pleasure.
Saying "thank you" or "please" are also included in the kindness chapter. "When your husband or wife does something for you, it's not bad at all to thank them," explains the specialist from A.F.C.C.C. "And if you apologize when you do something wrong, your partner will feel that you didn't intend to hurt them. Moreover, this type of basic politeness demonstrates respect for the partner, an essential condition for any successful relationship.
Compliments help a lot. "Tell your partner how good they look or what a good idea it was to dress a certain way," explains Danièlle Balmelle. "We all need confirmations. It is very important that these confirmations come from the person we rely on the most in life," she says.
More valuable than compliments spoken directly are the kind words we say about our partner in front of others. A compliment made in front of friends or a moment when we speak "well" of our partner when they are not present has profoundly beneficial effects on the relationship. First of all, they strengthen our own beliefs about how much we love our partner and why. Secondly, it often happens that one of the spouses finds out that the one they live with has spoken well of them, and this makes them very proud of their partner in turn. In such situations, both partners feel lucky to have found each other.
Kindness in difficult times works wonders. "If your spouse has just lost their job, it's much better to prepare a romantic dinner and suggest celebrating the fact that they've gotten rid of a job they didn't like and to raise a glass to the next job that will be better and better paid, even if you doubt this inwardly," recommends Danièlle Balmelle. It's a demonstration that you know how to stand by them in tough times. Moreover, it imposes the right attitude towards trouble: optimism and the power to start over.
Gottman draws attention to the fact that "kindness doesn't mean you never show anger." And it's true: kindness doesn't exempt you from unpleasant states. The difference felt in the case of kind people lies in how they manage these negative states. So, in a couple where kindness is present, partners will handle conflict situations more easily, efficiently, and with empathy.
Therefore, let's be kind!
Thanks for reading this far!
With respect,
Zpek