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Whatever we do we should not praise a child for being 'bright', but rather for their effort, perseverance, or ingenuity. ― Ian Robertson: The Winner Effect
Welcome, readers! Thanks for taking the time to explore these thoughts with me. Today, I want to share a realization sparked by a line from "The Winner Effect," a book I'm reading that left me pondering whether I royally screwed up as a parent.
Reevaluating the Meaning of Praise
In the early stages of my parenting journey, I believed that praising children for their intelligence and talents was part of being a good parent. Even now, with my stepdaughter in her twenties, I continue to shower her with praise, particularly when she shares her creative endeavors. However, this tendency stems from a childhood where I lacked that same encouragement.
My own upbringing was marked by emotionally stunted parents, a void filled by my grandmother's endless nurturing love. It is within this context that I reflect on the consequences of the praise we give.
Wrestling with Genetic Fatalism
The advice presented by Ian Robertson in his book initially struck me as harsh and potentially unfair. However, Robertson warns against the danger of genetic fatalism, the belief that our abilities are predetermined and unchanging. It challenges the conventional wisdom of unrestricted praise for children.
Upon deeper reflection, Robertson's point becomes clearer. He is not advocating against praising children; rather, he suggests praising the right things. Rather than praising natural talents, he encourages celebrating effort, perseverance, and grit. In doing so, children understand that setbacks are not the end but rather stepping stones to resilience and growth.
Echoes of Childhood
My childhood was overshadowed by genetic fatalism. My father, a musician, attempted to introduce me to the world of music at a young age. However, when I struggled, he slammed the door in my face by asserting that I lacked innate talent. It took years for me to recognize that the issue wasn't that I lacked rockstar mojo but, rather, an entrenched belief system.
Some individuals, as I've observed, tend to be 'ladder hiders.' They downplay the significance of hard work, practice, and the attainable steps within reach. My father, perhaps unknowingly, was guilty of this. Instead of encouraging me to embrace challenges with diligence, he declared that I lacked his "specialness," effectively closing the door on my growth.
The Perils of Excessive Praise
On the flip side, there's the peril of excessive praise, labeling children as exceptionally bright or extraordinarily talented. Despite our best intentions, this seemingly positive reinforcement can erode confidence over time. In my own parenting journey, I found myself inadvertently contributing to this dynamic. The labels we assign become part of a child's ego, shaping their identity and influencing how they perceive challenges.
My father, crippled by a fixed mindset, believed that his talent came from the stars, not a product of hard work and practice. For him, the acknowledgment of hard work threatened the uniqueness he ascribed to his abilities, acquired, as he believed, from the cosmos.
His irrational belief about the source of his musical talent prevented him from achieving his dream. To protect his fragile ego his talent became something he needed to defend. Thus, facing the rejection that was necessary for establishing a musical career was mortally terrifying. Believing your talent is an innate gift, rather than a product of effort and sacrifice, makes rejection feel like Xena the Warrior Princess's death touch. Rejection threatens the heart of your identity.
The Tragic Consequences of a Fixed Mindset
Due to my father's lack of understanding that success requires hard work, risk, failure, and adaptation, he passed away without realizing his envisioned self. His misguided belief in the illusion of effortless talent hindered him from embracing the path of self-improvement. Rather than appreciating the profound importance of resilience and learning from setbacks, he clung stubbornly to a fixed mindset.
This prevented him from fully engaging with life's challenges, ultimately robbing him of the chance to transform into the resilient and adaptable individual he had the potential to become. His story serves as a stark reminder of the power found in embracing challenges and persisting through life's inevitable trials. His life was nothing less than a tragedy.
Unraveling Tyson's Wisdom
Mike Tyson's famous quote – "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face" – serves as a reminder of life's metaphorical blows. It's a bit ironic this advice comes from Tyson, a boxer whose trainer, Cus D'Amato, instilled in him an unshakable belief in his invincibility. Tyson indeed rose to become a force in the ring, but his rapid decline highlighted the significance of character in the face of adversity.
This causes us to wonder – does natural talent have any relevance? Certainly, it does. We are all born with innate gifts. The critical juncture arises when these gifts are either understated or inflated to unhealthy proportions. If blessed with talent, the importance of practice and hard work shouldn't be undermined. A singular focus on talent, once a plateau is reached, can hinder progress, necessitating a shift towards hard work.
The Crux: Character Over Talent
In essence, the underlying message here is that character matters more than natural-born talent and intelligence. Attributes like perseverance, grit, and determination have the potential to eclipse the advantages of natural ability. However, this isn't a call to undermine talent. Instead, it emphasizes the necessity of nurturing character alongside talent.
As we navigate through the journey of personal and parental growth, let's reflect on the delicate balance required. Acknowledging and celebrating natural talents while emphasizing character development ensures a well-rounded approach to personal growth and success.
So, here's to not screwing up our children with bad parenting. Let's foster resilience and fortitude in the future generation by encouraging a growth mindset, instead of a fixed one.
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