Do you think because you’ve reached a certain age you’re supposed to be in a relationship?
Do you have these kinds of thoughts?
I’m 26 and forever alone…
I’m 31 and my biological is clock ticking…
I’m 40 and unmarried…
I’m 52 and divorced and I need to get married again…
I’m 16 and all my friends are dating except me…
Here's my advice.
Turn off the mental chatter because these expectations are holding you back from the life you want.
These thoughts torment many people. But do they really want a relationship, or do they feel like it isn't normal being single? This matters because the two feelings create different results.
The problem with expectations is they create the opposite of what you want. Expectations create anxiety and push people away.
I’m going to make an educated guess. If you expect to be in a relationship your desire to be in one is less than you think. Here’s what I mean.
The anxiety of being single might exceed the joy of being in a relationship.
Try this thought experience.
Get comfortable and imagine yourself in a relationship for several minutes. When you’re done write down any sensations created by the visualization.
Next, imagine being single, and write down how that feels.
What created the stronger sensation, thinking about being single or thinking about being in a relationship?
Here's the kicker,
You will manifest the stronger feeling, good or bad.
When you feel anxiety for not having something, you’re not in alignment with your dreams and desires.
And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Getting Aligned with Your Dreams and Desires
When you play to win, you will win. When you play not to lose, you will lose. Knowing what you truly desire is the first step towards playing to win.
When you’re playing to win, there's no room for fear or anxiety. The problem is most people don’t know what they want.
We're bombarded with messaging that says we should have certain things by a certain age. Politicians support the messaging, it's driven by marketing, and reinforced by our peers. The economy requires the population to meet certain bench marks. It needs us to marry, buy a house, have kids, pay for daycare, pay for private school, retire, and die, on schedule.
The messaging is what keeps us from knowing ourselves.
If you’ve never held a magnifying glass to your desires, how do you know what you're heart is yearning for?
The Five Why's
The 5 Why’s is a root cause analysis technique developed by Sakichi Toyoda. Sakichi Toyoda founded Toyota industries. His problem-solving technique became the singular method that transformed Toyota’s manufacturing.
While experimenting with the 5 Why’s I realized that it could do more than solve problems. It can deconstruct any motivation. In this case we’ll use it to deconstruct our desires.
Warning! This is a very powerful technique that will uncover buried emotions.
Here’s how this simple, but powerful exercise works.
Write down something you want in your journal and ask yourself why you want it at least five times.
Example:
I want a Billion dollars.
Why? – So, I can buy anything I want.
Why? – I want a lot of things.
Why? – I’m afraid of being poor.
Why? – I feel ashamed when I don’t have enough money.
Why? – Bullies harassed me in school for not wearing name-brand clothes. I felt ashamed and worthless. I never want to feel that way again.
Analysis: This person’s core desire is self-love, not money.
Money isn’t what people want if they’re being honest. Money is paper, numbers on a screen, or computer code. People want what money symbolizes, like security, freedom, or power.
It’s the same type of thing with relationships. If you go through this process you might discover you want something else. If you never figure that out, you’ll spend enormous energy trying to get something you don’t want.
What you should be afraid of is spending your time, energy and resources trying to get the wrong thing. The consequences of getting in a relationship for the wrong reasons can be enormous.