When I was building my labyrinth, someone said that they were surprised a person like me was a "labyrinth" enthusiast and cautioned me to be careful not to become too boring, followed up with their observation I tend to "care too much". That comment stung for a very long time. It took up space in my head for years, eventually becoming an obstacle if I found myself becoming enthusiastic or passionate about a new project or idea.
A couple of days ago the beast of "caring too much" began to migrate from the corner of rent-free space in my head and started to make a path to my heart where space is limited and the cost of setting up a loft makes Manhattan high rise penthouse suites look cheap.
I had no choice but to sit and meditate about it with an open mind and ask for understanding, healing and why "caring too much" was a source of such imbalance for my personal well-being.
(re: no choice -- consciousness requires one to move forward, previous choices were unacceptable to my evolving sense of self-worth and wisdom. Thus, the only choice was to sit in the center of my heart and say, "How can I protect you without become destructive and toxic?")
(Image of my labyrinth on New Years Eve 2022)
The insight and guidance gained led me to research what kinds of manipulation, censoring and control techniques can be disguised as "emotional boundary setting".
One of my colleagues offers a course on what she calls "Control Drama". While Control Drama behaviors are typically found in people with NPD and oddly enough what I call "functioning addicts", it occurred to me that it can be a tactic for those who are suffering from PTSD and trauma that has not been acknowledged or treated. Bingo. This was me. This was also the source of what woke up the snarling beast of "you care too much."
"Simply put, control dramas are situations when someone uses defensive behavior to control things and get what they want at the expense of another person."
So, when I found Jody Janati's work in my desire to understand what the core dilemma behind "caring too much" could be, she said,
"I find it interesting that the words 'reactive' and 'creative' have the exact same letters in them. We can react in a destructive way, or we can learn to create the desired interaction and positive outcome we really want."
I nearly stood and cheered in my office right there, because in a few words, that sentence described the OTHER SIDE of trauma recovery and the reward for doing the emotionally draining work. It also gave me insight as to why therapy isn't successful for some. In short, they may decide that they would rather continue their lives as is, because using Control Drama as their tool for functioning relieves them of accountability and responsibility for how others are feeling should they get trapped in the maze of conflict.
I began a new chapter of Cosmic Triageโข after that cheering session and decided to add more oracle cards for the Spiritus Mundi Oracle deck... this was the missing piece of my healing modality, The Labyrinth or The Maze.
Here's where it got juicy for me, who chooses the labyrinth, who chooses the maze?
Mazes are designed with dead ends, shifting walkways and you may often become lost, or end up never finding the center, if there is actually a center at all. They may have hidden passages and walls or hedges to hide the path you're on. So exciting, what an aMAZING adventure, right?
There was a whiny voice in my head saying, "Come on, it's going to be fun. Stop caring so much about packing a survival kit, you're making a big deal out of this ... let's go into the maze."
The voice belonged to a child. Was it my inner child? I had to take a closer look because clearly, she didn't know anything about the perils and pitfalls of getting stuck in a critical situation, she just wanted to have an adventure, and then a snack and a nap while everyone else dealt with the mess behind her.
Young children in any situation usually don't care about anything beyond being entertained, snacks and stories. Most aren't even aware that they are learning how to become a responsible adult when the parental unit says, "put on a coat, it's cold outside." The kid groans, "You care too much."
What if that growing brain might decide to focus on being resentful of being told to wait until the adult packed the juice boxes "just in case". Perhaps that child would grow up holding the memory of how the adults made them wait. Not why they had to wait, or what the situation was to begin with. Now the learning moment has been transformed into something else called, "Don't tell me what to do" or "you're not the boss of me" leading to issues with authority figures and possibly the foundation of a dictator. At its core, it is the person who will say "you care too much" because they simply need to reinforce their own control drama narrative.
(Image of me and my mini me grand daughter last fall)
Was this me? Did I do this? And if so, where did it start? My parental unit could care less whether I packed a juice box let alone wear a coat or shoes. I was the one who learned to grab a coat for her, and a snack for us both. Guess who said, "Oh hurry up, you're going to make us late with all your silly nonsense. I don't need a coat either, stop CARING SO MUCH." I'll give you a hint: not me.
I heard it echo through me like a sonic boom. Whether or not my mother felt any sort of remorse or shame for those moments, I'll never know. But I did.
When that realization and the sonic boom in my heart finally settled, I sent a wave of compassion to my inner child who had to care too much about everything. That's trauma. As for the people in my life who come across my path who think I care too much, well, I'll rethink what the situation is and the source of the statement. Because maybe I do.
I prefer the path in a Labyrinth.
Labyrinths have a simple path, a true center with one way in and one way out, without walls or hidden passages. Simple, and basically a drama free zone. Walking the labyrinth path is an intentional choice to a certain center. There are answers to complex existential crisis at the center of a labyrinth, but sometimes the walk to the center will reveal what you want to put on your shopping list for dinner.
(Image source wikipedia)
The Chinese symbol for crisis is made up of two words; 'danger' and 'change point.' Westernized versions have shifted the "change point" symbol to mean "opportunity", which is optimistic, but does not reflect the truth behind what is at the root of the original symbol, and this was my aha moment as I read Jody's conclusion that ...
"when we engage in a difficult interaction, there are really only two ways it can go, and once we learn that we can shift the outcome to the positive, we find less drama in our lives. We become less reactive and defensive."
Which do you choose as the symbol for navigating your journey for the rest of your life? Because crisis is inevitable. Whether it's forgetting your shopping list, or losing your job, crisis happens. So, pack an extra juice box, grab your coat, and maybe we'll meet someday on the labyrinth path.
