Detachment and growth

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

- Viktor E. Frankl -

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Yesterday I was thinking without the pressures of work and general life as I had a moment to myself. As I reflected, I found my mind drifting to the past and the things I've done and have been done to me - the experiences - and that led me to think about the thoughts, attitudes and actions those experiences have been responsible for. I'm not proud of all of them, I've done some bad things but, that aside, all of the combined experiences and reactions have also brought an opportunity to grow and develop and that's a good thing because I've moved in directions I can truly call positive, and be proud of.

I have a notebook, I've mentioned it before, full of quotes from other people, I've handwritten over the last twenty five years; each has a date of entry and notes outlining what that quote meant to me and why. It's very tattered now, stained and dog-eared (like me) but is one of my most valued possessions as it outlines my actual thoughts and feelings throughout some of the most challenging years of my life. I flicked through it yesterday, in my reflective mood, and came across the quote I've written above by Frankl. It's self-explanatory however, considering my reflective thoughts, it stood out.

I won't say the exact details of what was happening in my life at the time I wrote it in my book but I did so to remind myself of the importance of that space, the detachment between something happening and my response to it. that Frankl refers to. I wrote it on October 19th 1998 after I'd reacted efficiently and within the rules, but incorrectly, to a situation that had serious ramifications for others and (ultimately) myself - it's something I think about a lot and have to deal with each day.

Life is a collection of time, days in a row, and only moves in one direction.

So, yesterday I was thinking that how many days we live isn't within our ability to control however we can take those days and shape them into what we would like them to be, to some degree anyway. We can't always affect what happens to us, the experiences we have, but we can always choose how we react to them, how we allow them to affect us, shape and create us. I guess I mean, we can create ourselves and our lives to some degree and it's through our thoughts and attitudes we do that and it's how we create ourselves that brings meaning to those days in a row.

I like what Frankl indicates in this quote; he was a wise man who went through more than most human beings could endure. He talks about the space between the moment of life and what happens there, in between.

Detachment and growth

That space he refers to is what I would call a detachment - putting a gap between something occurring in our lives and our reaction to it. I look back at my life and see that I've done that (reasonably) well, and done it very poorly, and on each occasion have made the choice to act in a particular way, rightly or wrongly. I've owned it though, that's something else I learned in life: Ownership and responsibility.

Growth, development and ultimate freedom in life depends largely on what we ourselves do, what we choose to think and how we choose to act, and I firmly believe in finding that space Frankl speaks of - the detachment - before choices are made; that's one of the most valuable lessons I've learned.

In the image I used I see new life springing forth from a long-dead fence post, a change from what was to what can be, and I figure a human can do the same. My mistakes and failures have become valuable lessons I use to my advantage and throughout life I've learned many things:

How to apologise and mean it, to be humble and kind, to fight courageously and fiercely and love with passion. I've developed a code of honour and integrity and found the ownership, responsibility and discipline to follow it and I've learned that I'm not always right, and neither do I need to be. I've learned to accept my past knowing that I acted under orders, out of ignorance, fear, bravado or based upon the understanding I had at the time. I've learned to release regret as it's unproductive, and I've learned to be steadfast, resolute and true to my word. I've learned that I have a lot to lose and much to give...and that I have nothing without the love of others and for myself. I learned that quitting isn't in my nature and about my ability to carry burdens, to lift heavy shit...I've learned so much more in life as well, and all because of my mistakes, failures, success, the experiences I've had and the choices I made in the small spaces between them and between experience and reaction. It's been a good life...and fortunately it continues.

In that gap between stimulus and response is thought, attitude, choice and action.

I can't speak for other people, I'm just me, but in my reflections yesterday I found contentment and satisfaction in respect of my life and who I am now. There's been many bad things packed into my life but alongside have been so many amazing experiences as well. It's each of these combined that has brought me to this moment and to this person, the flawed and fallible human knucklehead writing this post, and it's each of those things that have helped me design and create my ideal life, or work towards it at least.

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If you have any thoughts, feel free to comment below as I'm interested to know them, how you feel or think about the above words and how they may relate or align, or go completely against your own thoughts. Maybe you'll want to write out some of those things you've learned in your own days in a row...So, find the space between stimulus and response, make a choice, and take action in the comments below should you wish to.