Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler.
- Friedrich Nietzsche -
I've recently been called a few things, none of them true, but all of them hurtful. I'm ok, it takes more than a few baseless words from an insignificant, ignorant, nugatory and pointless individual to keep me down for too long; but the words hit me in a soft spot that brought up some things I usually keep in check.
Vituperation
I'll admit that anger was my initial thought, and if I'm totally candid I am still rather angry, however as the comments sank in I began to think, think back to be more precise, at moments in my early life which were extremely hurtful, physically and emotionally. I don't often think about it now, but something that has had such a profound affect upon a person is often difficult to completely lock away. So, those thoughts bubbled up and I found myself feeling less than good...because of words designed to hurt me.
I went for a walk this afternoon; my work day was stressful, I've been sleeping poorly, have some very serious real-life issues to work around and with this other thing...I just needed some fresh air. It was, the walk I needed to have, with no phone calls, no music, just the crunch of the path beneath my boots, and my thoughts.
I've been around for a while now and have, for quite some time, been pretty good at ordering things in my mind, determining importance, and eliminating that which is unimportant. In thinking about this little situation though, I realised I'd not done so and for this reason I was vexed. In fact, I was more annoyed at myself than the vitriolic, filthy individual and his vituperation.
We have the ability to choose how people affect us, what power we allow them to have over us and, if a person knows how, and tries hard enough, nothing a person says can really touch us. I guess it comes down to mindset, attitude and inner-strength.
Unsafe
When I was a child I was terribly treated by others through their racial vilification and the physical and emotional abuse continued for years. I learned about people and their behaviours, and myself and my own behaviours, from an early age though, so there was something positive; but most days were terrible, full of fear and pain.
I remember coming home one day, so distraught, emotionally drained, bruised in places with a ripped shirt, yet again. I was six years old.
My mother helped me out of my shirt and, after some wiping of tears, patching of scrapes and bruises and a hug or two we sat down to mend the shirt together. As my mum stitched the seam I told her that I'd not go back, ever. I told her I couldn't go back to school or they would kill me. Thinking about it now, as an adult, I can't imagine what that must have been like for her to hear; her child so afraid.
It was then she suggested that maybe I needed a magic charm to help keep me safe from the taunts and abuse, something that only I knew about but would allow me to focus my mind upon, to draw magic power from which would make me impervious. I wanted to be safe and so I agreed.
The purple thread
My mother took a little spool of purple thread from her sewing kit telling me it was magic thread. My eyes went wide and I inched forward. I was six so had no reason not to believe her.
She unpicked one of the buttons on my shirt and re-sewed it on with that purple thread. I was intrigued as to how this little thread was going to save me, but I believed it would and as she sewed the button on I had visions of walking into school, head held up, shoulders squared, safe from harm. I made mum sew a button on all of my school shirts that day and somehow, I felt a little safer and stronger with each. That's what my mum had told me the thread would do. She'd said it would mean that no matter what happened they couldn't reach inside me to my inner-self and so I'd be safe, no matter what.
I still got taunted, hit, tripped and pushed, spat on and ostracized at school...but what those kids didn't know was that in my mind I was safe and that no matter what they did or said, it didn't reach me.
Safe
Over the course of my life I've had to do some incredibly difficult things; I've held myself out there at risk physically and emotionally and the fact that I'm writing this post indicates I survived it all. I don't know how I've done what I've done, I just did it. Was it ownership of my thoughts, attitudes and actions that helped? Yes, I think so...but I also had another secret weapon in my arsenal. That purple thread.
You see, back when I was a kid, that day my mum sewed that button on with purple thread, she taught me how to sew buttons; I got really good at it too.
I guess you could say it became an emotional rally-point for me, that purple thread, because I've sewn a button using purple thread onto every buttoned shirt I've owned, since that day. It became a thing for me, a reminder to stay in the fight, to work harder, to have better thoughts and attitudes and to act with honour and integrity, as I saw it. That purple thread became a standard I'd carry into battle, no matter what that fight was: Professional life, sporting, relationships, financial...it didn't matter, I'd carry that standard and be better at what I did. It kept me safe, emotionally, and that kept me safe physically.
I returned from my walk today; thoughts of that day my, now deceased, mother sewed that button to that shirt in mind, and wondered if she ever knew how powerful that talisman she'd given me really was, how powerful the lesson. It's something I've carried throughout my life and has enabled me to *order things I in my mind and to give them power, or to take it away. It's a mindset and attitude.
These thoughts also confirmed in my mind the need to be resolute, steadfast and true to my perception of honour and integrity; sure, others might not like it and may call me hateful things, but does it matter? No it doesn't. What matters is that I remain true to the man I have become, the man that was shaped from an early age by brutality, vilification and hate, and caring, kindness, love and that purple thread.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
I took this image of the lavender spring.