As some of you know I'm kind of in between two chapters of my life at the moment. I left Stockholm in May, not knowing what to do next. Since then I have been extremely isolated socially. I'm not kidding when I say that the only people I have seen regularly are my mom and my youngest brother. And a few times I have met with some other relatives. But I haven't seen a single friend, I have barely been in touch with anyone.
Of course, you can see this period of my life as a chapter in itself, to me it often feels though like I'm on a break from life. To be clear, it has been good, also. Right now I'm just trying to explain that I hardly haven't talked to anyone since May.
So when I bought a ticket to a dance festival I knew it would be a bit of a shock for me to go there. To be together with almost 100 people for four days. I had had this plan for quite some time already, to go there. I waited to buy a ticket until the last minute though, mostly because I'm having a really bad period when it comes to my digestive issues at the moment (for the last month or so) and I didn't want to go if I would feel bad all the time. But just before the festival I felt ok and decided to take the chance. I also felt that it was not the end of the world if I felt bad the whole time, after all, it's something I'm used to by now.
So off I drove to Ängsbacka, which is only an hour's drive from where I'm currently staying. In Sweden (and also internationally) Ängsbacka is rather well known, mostly for the tantra festival in Summer, which is one of Europe's biggest, but they have a lot of different events. It's non profit organization with an active community and volunteers. They are pretty established, they have been around for almost 30 years.
I had actually never been there. I have heard so much about the place throughout the years, and I had always felt it wouldn't be a perfect match for me. (I won't go into the reasons here). But I love to dance and I felt that their dance festival, which is called Soul Dance, would suit me. I kind of assumed it would be similar to the dance festival I went to in Portugal last year (and I was right about that).
It was a mix of different workshops, many of them with different 'exercises' when you explored and played (danced) with a partner or group under some guidance. Some examples are ecstatic dance, contact improvisation, and toning. This might give you an idea.
I find it really hard to summarize my experience. I'm glad I went, even though I had severe pain in my gut most of the time and therefore couldn't sleep much. Needless to say, I was completely exhausted when I got back home. But despite my physical challenges, I was able to relax and accept the situation and I felt open and also, comfortable with being uncomfortable. I was also pleased about the fact that I found it so easy to be social and talk to people (I didn't know anyone there before I went). Now, I'm a pretty social person when I want to be, but still, I didn't know how I would react given my current social isolation.
And it felt so amazing to dance! Omg, I have really missed that. And to connect in such a beautiful way with people.
I wanted to post about this experience in the Self Improvement Community because it was obvious to me that I have evolved, quite a lot. I remember a time when it would have been such a challenge for me to open up and be vulnerable with a stranger in these kinds of exercises, especially men. I'm still sensitive to who I share my energy with, but nowadays I trust that things will work out just fine. For instance, I don't stress so much about finding a 'good' partner for the exercises (this happens so fast anyway). And if I feel resistance towards anyone, I lean in and try to understand why. Because it has to do with me, not them.
This time I also decided to be ok with being photographed. Usually, on these kinds of events, the organizers have hired a photographer who walks around taking pictures during the workshops. (No one else is allowed to take pictures). It usually bothers me a bit, it's been hard for me to not be aware of the camera. But now I just decided that it doesn't really matter. Really, it doesn't matter. I mean, I really felt that. And it was such a relief.
One man that I connected with early on walked up to me one morning and told me that he felt that I was really myself. Of course, I was really happy to hear that. And in one workshop the facilitator told me that I was being true to myself in this moment, which is really important.
So yeah, I have come a long way. Comfortable being uncomfortable among strangers.
Before I left someone asked me how I felt. I realized it was hard for me to explain but then I said:
I think this is too many people for me. I have talked to quite many but it's only been short meetings because there hasn't really been any time to go deeper with someone. And for me that's frustrating. It's not good for my nervous system. I feel rather lonely.
But then I got the most heartfelt hug from a guy sitting next to me, it really made it easier for me to get into the car and drive away. I thought I would start crying as soon as I left that place, because I know that I don't have anyone in my life right now that I can call and share my experience with. Someone who knows me. And I miss that, of course. It was just such a contrast, leaving that bubble and landing back here again, in my isolation. But today I feel fine. I know more of this will come. Soon I'll leave this place and isolation. The next chapter awaits 🙂 (I'm leaving for Thailand quite soon).
I actually wanted to share more about some of the workshops, especially a dance ritual that's called shamanic trance dance which is done blindfolded, but this is already a quite long post so I'll probably write a separate post about this.
I guess the bottom line is that it's so important to challenge ourselves and to do things that make us feel uncomfortable and outside our comfort zone. Because when you have done something long enough, you won't feel that way anymore. And your life and experiences will be richer.
(The pictures are mine, taken at Ängsbacka, the retreat center).
Thanks for reading 🌸
Wishing you a lovely day 💚