You know that curiosity killed the cat, right?
‐ Someone who didn't have many close friends
A few years ago, I was talking with a friend of mine about someone who I'd just started dating:
"What does she do?"
I told her where she worked and what she did there.
"Is she happy there?"
She had complained a lot about work, so I guessed that she wasn't really happy there.
"What does she want to do?"
Ummm, I never asked 🤦♂️
My parents are the king and queen of not asking questions. They never want to pry, they never ask much more than "how are you?", and they certainly never ask about my dreams, my fears, or my relationships: this would be too personal, too emotionally dirty. (Mom, Dad: I still love you!)
And so like a good son who follows the rules, I learned not to ask too many questions. I would ask people about their work, their day, "how did you meet so-and-so?" I avoided any questions which might be too personal or they might not want to answer. And success: I almost never offended people! I was also rarely memorable and had only one close friend throughout my 20s and 30s. I did have activity partners however, and I thought that was enough.
It wasn't until I experienced asking and answering deep, personal questions that I realized how much I was missing.
The power of curiosity
I first saw the power of personal questions back in 2015, when I read NY Times' 36 Questions That Lead to Love which I bookmarked on my phone. I imagined my date and I would cuddle up with hot chocolate, asking each other these questions and falling in love. But no, I still felt too uncomfortable to ask any of them, and my dates would break up with me, telling me that the first couple dates were great but then the magic died.
Perhaps there wasn't magic, but I now know what was missing was a lack of intimacy coming from a lack of true curiosity.
Then later, I learned the game hot seat where one person sits in the middle of a circle and answers questions from the participants. The trick to an interesting round is to dig into a particular line of thought rather than merely ask surface-level questions.
Authentic relating
All of this finally came into practice when I joined Authentic Montreal a few years ago. (Authentic Montreal is the Montreal chapter of Authentic Relating where I learned so many skills, a community which uses games and practices to teach people how to be more present and connected to others. If you haven't been to one, you should definitely find a location near you.)
One of the first games we played was The Curiosity Game. It's simple: pairs of people ask each other what they are curious about in their partner. People are free to answer or decline each question. Then the person being questioned shares how it felt to answer those questions, and can then share some questions that she wished were asked. Switch roles.
The first time I played, I didn't feel curious about anything. I sat awkwardly and explained how I didn't know her and so had nothing to ask. When we switched, she asked me about my vision for the future. I think she asked about my sex life. It blew my mind that asking such questions were allowed! The rules of conversation which I learned in childhood were holding me back, and on the other side was the intimacy that had always eluded me.
Why does being curious create closer connections?
- It gives us something to talk about. I know that after I've been talking with someone for a bit of time, especially someone who I don't know very well, there will come a lull in the conversation. If this happens to you, consider looking at the person and asking what you are really curious about. Perhaps he's a good dresser and you ask "I really like your shirt, how do you decide what to wear to these events?" (Pro tip: ask open-ended questions, not those that can be answered with a yes or no.)
- We really get to know the person. Far better than how was your day or what do you do, imagine how revealing the answer to "What is your most treasured memory?" (#17 of the 36 questions) could be. Sharing answers to questions like this creates deep intimacy quickly. And as in the hot seat game, the more we mine one topic, the richer the gold that we find.
- It gives us an opportunity to be vulnerable. Usually when asked a question like this, you'll get a chance to respond to the same question. If you have a response ready, then great (just please don't act like you're reading from a script). If you're like me however and never prepare your response, try pausing and really considering what your answer is before just responding; your answer will be deeper and more interesting.
- We're also more curious about ourselves, which makes us more interesting. Being curious about others can't help but make us more curious about ourselves. What is the moment in my life when I was the saddest? What would I do in a year if I thought I would die? When we practice digging into ourselves and being vulnerable in our answers, people are drawn to our self-understanding and courage.
My parents still don't ask me questions. I come home to visit, and in the car ride home we talk about the weather, church, the grandchildren. I know they want to know about me because I've asked my mom. She told me they're uncomfortable with asking questions, and that I should share what I want them to hear.
But I still feel uncomfortable pushing data about myself; they don't ask follow up questions, and so there's not what I consider a conversation. So I tell them what I think they should know, and they appreciate it.
But I still wish they acted more curious.
♥️ shawn.
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