...dear diary, July's wrath has forced everything to fold freezing and I am having interesting conversations with my mind. Care to eavesdrop? Some uninformed decisions of yesterday are resurfacing as today's issues and my mental index is pointing at me shamelessly.
They say life can hand you lessons over the same things until you get what the universe is trying to teach you and I am the best example. I embody a storm which makes anything that is not routine -toxic or healthy- quite hard to absorb.
Dwelling in familiarity has held me and my anxiety captive most of my life. That and my empathetic disposition plus the traumatic response to people-pleasing are the main reasons why I never learn or take time before I actually do.
Of late though, I have been finding myself calling out myself more and I am yet to have the words for it. I feel like I am learning to selfishly put myself first. Age does things to you...
I get to have the pleasure of watching my evolving self parent herself while balancing the pressure of bringing up my brood. Sometimes I wonder if they know that half of the time I don't know what I am doing and that the rest of the time it's up to my motherhood instincts to do all the work.
Nature must be the main character in that second half.
It is interesting to even think about it... How can I be nurturing and taking care of my children yet I keep forgetting to nurse myself? The tenderness I perceive them with hasn't been the same magnifying glass I look at myself with.
In my depths, I seek the flaws that I use to crucify myself onto the societal expectations cross to die there for me just to fit in. In theirs, I embrace all that bring them to their full circles, fight against anything or anyone for them whilst religiously encouraging them to be themselves.
From which cup do mothers pour?
I have thirsted for such understanding toward myself and desired to heal everything that feeds my unhealthy cycles. If I can heal myself enough to replace this brokenness with a stitched spirit then probably I might be absorbing what I am needed to when I am supposed to.
As I close this page, I would like to remind myself to explore all of these gently to enable me to find the courage to start again when I have outgrown certain people or things. That I always chase after what puts my heart at ease.
Happy Saturday... have a terrific weekend.
...wambuku w.