Healing takes time. It also takes a lot of feckin patience.
I sit here, here as in outside, next to my truck, on our fold out couch, which for the summer, is permanently in the bed/food out position. I look out onto the mountains, where everything makes sense.
Mosquitoes buzz around me, begining to anoy me, but also to remind me that I chose to live here. To step into their territory, where they have most likely always existed.
How can I claim to have it all, if I'm not experiencing it all. All, as in the environment that I live in. Surrendering myself to the weather that rolls in, each day. Really feeling the 41 degree celsius heat, taking myself to the extreme.
Like jumping into the deep end, to reach the cold, crystal clear water below. It's made me more resilient, whilst also softening me on the inside.
Giving myself the time I need to heal, has been one of my bigger struggles in life. I've been delving deep, unearthing emotions that have been kept in the dark for too long. I have no interest in reliving my past, instead I want to just let it go. Set it free.
I've had two sessions with a local healer. She has been helping me, to understand what has been holding me back. Which of course is myself.
She was able to identify when my first moment of trauma happened, which was when I was in my mother's womb. I've already written about that. In response to that trauma, I created a way of protecting myself, which I put into place, whenever I felt threatened. On be knows to myself, that mode of protection, has also worked to prevent positive things from helping as well.
The healer put it like this, most things that I feel penetrate my aura, I subconsciously, see them as being an act of violence against me. It took me a while to digest that, because I feel myself to be very fortunate. But I also know that I could do better.
I spend over 2 hours with her and when I came back, I was wiped out. I had to lie down, which was easy to surround to, seeing as it was a super hot day. I mulled it over in my head and then I had a moment of even deeper awareness.
Whilst I was in my mother's womb, I felt things more on an energetic level and when she felt threatened, that is what I reacted to. Alongside the rush of hormones that would have been passed onto me.
I feel like these last few months so much has been coming up. In the last few days , I have been having some stomach issues, a detox of sorts. Releasing, some of my pain, some of my insecurities in a more physical way. And believe me, I have had a lot of insecurities.
So whilst I've not been active on here, believe me when I say, that I have been very active in the outside world. Pun intended.
