As I began this journey of deeper self exploration, I told myself that I was ready, ready to dig deep, to really connect with my emotions and let them go. These last few weeks, I have been doing just that. It’s not been easy, it never is. Allowing myself to be vulnerable, has been one of the hardest things for me.
Because I have been relying on my walls of protection to prop me up, leaning on them way too much, of late. I mean that is what they are there for after all, isn’t it? And as much as they have protected me and shielded me, they have also hindered me.
Each week a new revelation, as I strip myself back even more. As more and more emotions reveal themselves. I have been expecting this, what I was not so prepared for, was the physical side of things. I know everything is connected and how we feel emotionally, effects us physically as well.
I went dancing on Friday, a wonderful event that happens every month, where everyone present really just let’s go and goes for it. I love to see people dancing with no inhibitions, it’s so liberating and all of us feed off one another’s energy. It’s amazing. Dancing has always been like medicine for me.
These last two days, my body has felt battered. Every part of me aching, I am fine if I lie down, but when I rise up out of my bed, it hurts. Especially, my head, my shoulders , my whole torso actually. It really feels like something within, is trying to break free.
I know that this is very much tied into my experience last week, around my struggle with self worth. Usually I just let thoughts like that slide off me, but I wasn’t able to this time. There is a root cause for those thoughts and I can no longer hide from it. Eventually we all have to face who we are, if we really wish to empower ourselves.
So I am trying to be really gentle with myself and rest as much as I can, as much as I can being a solo mama. It’s important, for my girls to see me taking the time I need to heal. Important for me to release the feelings of guilt that creep in, knowing that I have so many things to do.
These emotions, that I have unearthed, that are finally being brought to the light, have been buried so deep, that their release is causing me physical pain. But I would rather experience this now, that suffer a major illness in the future.
So I am being patient and grateful. Grateful that I have found a way to release all the pain I have buried deep.
