I grew up, fearful of men. The most important man in my life, beat me from a young age and although I have learn to understand him more, it has left it's mark on me. Something, that I have always carried with me.
When I was younger, I was scared to be in their company, but also craving their attention, So starved I was, of caring fatherly love.
I swayed between the two for a long time, the fear and this need I had in me, to be seen and validated by them, to be accepted. To experience anything other than fear.
To see another side of men!
And I have, my life has brought me into contact with so many amazing men. I have made some wonderful male friends, that I care for deeply.
Yet, I always had this void, this longing, for something that I can never have.
But, this is my life's journey. My earlier years introduced me to the darkness that is alive in our world, but with that came awareness. An undeniable truth about the world we live in.
And that darkness, made the light, so very bright.
I have struggled with allowing myself to be vulnerable around men. I really couldn't let my guard down, it is after all, the protection I built around myself. It was the way, in which I coped with what I had been through.
And childhood walls, are really damn hard to lower. They have such, strong foundations. carrying the weight of all our years.
But I have found my ways and especially in the last few years. When my confidence grew and I was no longer afraid, to fully embody who I was.
To step into my power and really feel my self worth.
There are so many things that have led me here, so many encounters, that have opened my heart and broken down my walls. That have allowed me to really see.
Today I attended Bio Danza, after a very emotional couple of days. Earlier today, I had decided that I would not go, as I felt like I just couldn't.
But I went and it was exactly where I needed to be.
To let my guard down and release. Guided by the music and the words of the facilitator, I flowed like water. My feelings found their way, gently moving to the surface, where they broke free.
I wept, openly and shamelessly. I allowed myself to be held and to be seen. To be truly vulnerable. I let it all pour out.
Then we were encouraged to approach others. To move. however we felt we needed to. To open ourselves up to one another and allow ourselves to receive .
Me still crying, still releasing, when hands reached for mine and we moved to the music. My tears flowing and his just beginning to flow. I have never had a man, cry with me, cry for me and it was so powerful.
Human connection is so powerful!
What a gift, that I have received, one that I now, get to carry with me.
