This is my third attempt at trying to write a post today. Third attempt, of sitting in front of this screen, with some loose ideas, of what I want to be writing about, but then the words refuse to come.
I want to write, so that I can escape. So that I can take my mind off of things. To just, have just a little break, from what is going on in my life right now.
To find some silence, some stillness, during this chaotic time.
But, I continue to feel overwhelmed. Knowing my father doesn't have long left on this plane. Knowing that there is so much that I want to say to him, whilst also coming to terms with the fact, that he may not even be able to recognise me, when I do.
These things, that I want to say, they are things that I think, he should hear. I want to tell him, that I really see how much he has suffered. How he knew nothing but suffering, most of his life.
Yes he may have chosen most of it and inflicted a lot of suffering on others. But I really would like him to experience some level of peace, in life.
At the weekend, I had one of the most healing experiences of my life. Where I was able to move past my own pain, my own suffering and move towards a place of forgiveness.
I have learned to accept that my father, is the man that he is. But being able to forgive him, that always seemed like a huge leap for me. I could not really find my way towards it.
It helps though, to remember, that I would not be where I am, who I am, if it were not for the way in which I came into this world, if I hadn't had , the upbringing (or lack of it), that I did.
All of which, helped to shape my awareness of the world.
I'm not looking forward to seeing him so frail. No matter who the person is, no one deserves to just waste away.
So I have spend my days, reminiscing. Delving deep and unearthing a lot of pain, pain that I have been able to release and transform.
It's been a rollercoaster really and I feel exhausted.
Yet in between all of it, I have been able to find a new place that I can move to, with my girls.. I went to see it today and I feel excited, ready for a new chapter in my life.
As I continue, to work towards forgiveness.
