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Look at strong funnyman, strong thigh woman, and a handsome funnyman staring at you as they waste your time.
Warning: Spoilers
The first spoiler is that the movie sucks, the cinematography is great, the product placement of the Rock and Ryan Reynolds's alcohol is uncanny, Gal Gadot looks stunning as always, it is a beautiful looking painting, not a movie sadly.
WTF Is This Mess?
The movie's first action sequence is the Rock, I am not calling any character by its in-movie name by the way because the more I forget about this movie the better, being a strong smart man and pouring Coca Cola, not a product placement at all, onto the fake egg and everyone realize it was stolen as Ryan Reynolds stands in the crowd of where the golden egg is. The Rock sees him and a chase starts that Ryan ends fleeing with the egg.
That's fine, except why the hell was he waiting? Like you stole the egg, why hang around? Ryan Reynolds had some good five minutes to leave the museum with the most prized possession of that museum. What? Was he mesmerized by a painting that he wanted to turn into an NFT? Why didn't you leave, Ryan?
Oh yeah, it is so Ryan could do a scene with his Aviation American Gin
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There it is, pot-distilled twice and bottled at 84 U.S. proof (42% alcohol by volume). Buy it, folks, Ryan Reynolds really recommends the gin he sells. The Rock then arrests him and then goes to a fancy bar where he drinks his Teremana
P.S: the Rock also recommends you buy the tequila he sells. The Rock gets ousted as a fake FBI agent and ends up not only in the same prison, but the very same cell as Ryan Reynolds. The prison operator is Gal Gadot, who probably also had a product placement that I missed. The prison happens to be the most secure prison in the world that also can be easily escaped from by simply moving a little stone to break down a portion of the wall, not even kidding.
The sequence is just amazing. We found that it was Gal Gadot who broke into the FBI after sending millions to the Rock off-shore account and stole the golden egg. She received the call inquiring to learn whether the Rock is an FBI agent or not. Why? We already know he isn't, the FBI would have said he is not either way. How did Gal Gadot suddenly become the prison operator? Didn't the hundreds of guards realize "Hey, that's not our boss"? Ryan Reynolds suddenly knew how to fly and operate an army helicopter, which I guess it comes to you when you drink a gin called "Aviation".
The movie goes on with the Rock and Ryan slowly becoming friends after reluctantly refusing to work with one another but are forced, check out 80% of both the actors' discography for reference. They get caught, tortured as Reynolds reveals where the third egg because he couldn't stand the Rock's Johnson getting hurt. So, Gal Gadot has the two eggs and is heading toward the third. But get this, smort Reynolds actually gave a fake location.
The two go to a jungle somewhere, because I guess the Rock doesn't sign a contract nowadays unless it has a jungle scene. They get the egg, the Interpol showed, they escape, and by this point, you could probably see that I am already done with the movie. However, after the escape, Reynolds leaves the third egg behind to save the Rock. And the movie could have ended there with that sweet "Maybe the real golden egg is the friends we made along the way, but nope. Introducing
The Rock and Gadot are working together and are an actual couple. And they tricked Reynolds with the movie ending to set up a sequel of the three working together, because who wouldn't want to watch more of this crap?
The ending doesn't make sense, why couldn't they just wait for Reynolds to get the third egg and ambush him after anyway? What's the point of Gal Gadot's existence, answering an FBI call that would have been the same way without her? Seducing the guy who has the second egg? Which again would have ended in the possession of Ryan Reynolds and therefore the Rock anyway and led them to go to the third one. What is the point of a character that was painted as the "Number 1 thief in the world" for 99% of the movie?
Not a single plot twist makes sense. Everything Gal Gadot does in the movie doesn't make sense. She warns Interpol about the Rock and Ryan escaping and going after the second egg, which again, why? Why would you tell the biggest justice power the whereabouts of your partner?
I get cheap plot twists, I am a person who watched all 8 Saw movies more than once. Their plot twists are showing someone who doesn't matter then suddenly matters. Oh, that guy you saw once or twice in the movie? he is actually the antagonist. The video you have been watching is not live. That person is actually working with the antagonist. All cheap plot twists, they're just there for shock value.
However, what the Saw movies never had the absolute rude guts to do is make scenes that directly contradict their plot twists just to throw you off the trail. All of Gal Gadot's actions before the twist were designed to make you believe that she is working against both Ryan Reynolds and the Rock which makes sense because her actions only work if she was legitimately working against them. Otherwise, she and the Rock, along with the plan they put are just idiots.
In Conclusion
The movie is simply bad, it requires a complete turn-off of the brain to enjoy it. And even then I would say it won't be better than watching random action sequences on Youtube for two hours. And the absolute balls of setting up a sequel just make this all the more frustrating.
In the end, this is a rant, not a review but if you'd ask me to give a rating I would give this a 4/10, 1 for the Rock's physiques that makes me question my sexual orientation, 1 for Gal Gadot's right thigh that brings me out of questioning, 1 for Ryan Reynolds comedic delivery and 1 for this funny tweet after the movie was released
https://twitter.com/VancityReynolds/status/1459676103254188033
- VancityReynolds