There are many ways to feel like we've failed, for better or worse: the social failure of being rejected, the romantic failure of being dumped, and the professional failure of being fired. Whatever apparent failure we fear, the prospect of it looms large in our minds, causing us to put on our best possum-playing-dead act to avoid even trying.
But where do we go from here? Here are 5 strategies for getting past "But what if?"
Method #1: Identify the source of your fear.
"What if something goes wrong?" you might wonder. or "People will despise me." or "It's possible that something horrible may happen." Fears of failure are frequently nebulous. When a phobia is indistinct and shape-shifting, it's impossible to subdue, exactly like in X-Men.
As a result, get clear about what "failure" means to you in order to overcome your fear. "I'm going to get fired and have to move back in with my parents," or "I'm going to screw up my presentation and the entire office will realize I'm inept." Once you've narrowed down your fear, it'll be lot easier to confront it or plan around it. It could even sound so implausible that it loses its scare value.
Method #2: Provide answers to your "what if?" scenarios.
"What if I fail my midterm?" you might wonder. "What if I'm fired?" I think to myself. "What if I'm found doctoring images and test results in order to get my baby into USC?" Okay, so that one is a bit unique, but the question should have been asked in the first place.
We frequently express our concerns by posing a slew of "what if" scenarios. As a result, to overcome your fear of failure, truly answer the question: What would you do if your dread came true? How would you deal with it? Who could possibly console you?
If you're scared about failing your midterm, consider how you'd handle it if it did. You could ask the TA for assistance, make a final study schedule, and not stay out till 3 a.m. before the next exam. If you're scared about being fired, consider how you'd handle it if it happened: you'd cut back on your spending, hunt for a new career, and ask friends and family for connections and chances.
When you respond to the "what if" question, you work through the worst-case situation and come up with a strategy. Suddenly, you understand how you would either correct the issue or take care of yourself and go on, making the situation less frightening.
Method #3: Don't only imagine yourself succeeding.
Yes, you read that correctly. According to conventional wisdom, if you want to get your dream job, visualize yourself aceing the interview and settling into the corner office. To break your personal best, visualize yourself killing it mile after mile. Right?
Possibly not. Gabrielle Oettingen, a psychologist at the University of Hamburg and NYU, questioned this conventional thinking in a series of experiments. Having pleasant dreams about those things was connected with decreased effort and performance in research participants who were looking for a job, preparing for an exam, or confronting other obstacles or opportunities.
Our optimistic images are idealized versions of our goals—in our minds' eye, success is whole and complete, expenditures are minimal, effort is minimal, and there are few novice "oopsies." We may lose motivation to dig deep or focus our energies if we have this idealized image in mind. Dreamers with big eyes sometimes forget to put their hands in their pockets and get to work.
What should you do instead? Oettingen invented a technique called mental contrasting, which you may have heard of. As a result, in addition to imagining yourself achieving your goal, imagine the roadblocks that stand in your way.
Consider the joy of receiving your diploma with "Pomp and Circumstance," but also the hours of studying and the number of times you'll have to fight the impulse to scroll through TikTok instead. Visualize the applause after providing a once-in-a-lifetime performance, but keep your mind on the arduous work of practicing and waitressing to make ends meet while pursuing a career in music.
In other words, visualize your ideal future while simultaneously considering the roadblocks that stand in your way. You're fantasizing if you just do the former. When you merely do the latter, you're persevering, which isn't the same as having the passion and hard effort to succeed.
Method #4: Concentrate on the process rather than the end result.
While aiming for the heavens is wonderful, you must occasionally take a breather. Setting a difficult, lofty objective may appear to boost drive, but all it does is procrastination.
Set a goal for the process rather than the end result. "Learn everything I can about what makes good video content," rather than "Get 100,000 views on this video I made," try "Learn everything I can about what makes good video content." "Attend three networking events a month," rather than "Get my dream job by May," is a better goal. Rather than focusing on a quantitative endpoint, aim on experiences: learning, experimenting, and mastering. Indeed, if your goal is to learn, you can't go wrong—plus, you'll gain invaluable knowledge. And that can never be considered a failure.
Method #5: Keep in mind that failure is just temporary.
When we say we're afraid of failing, what we really mean is that we're afraid of being a failure, which we see as something permanent and irreversible. This is extremely rare, with the exception of the Harvey Weinsteins and Enrons of the world.
Failure, on the other hand, is a transient and variable feeling. It's not pleasant while it's going on, but you always learn something—and then what? You have the chance to redefine yourself. Our society likes a good redemption narrative, from Bill Clinton to Martha Stewart to General Motors.
To summarize, failure is merely a pit stop. Even if we fail, we may pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and reflect on what we've learned along the way, such as how having sexual relations with that woman or flying private aircraft to a government bailout may not have been the best decision.
So define your fears, answer your "what ifs," imagine your setbacks alongside your victories, and be gentle with yourself. Failure isn't going to have a chance.