To be honest, as I was discussing with my Ma the other day, I have never known what it is like to feel good. A common phrase I uttered in my childhood was, I don't feel good. Not that I let that slow me down much, but still, I have never felt well, vibrant, and all out thriving.
I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease in my late teens, and honestly, I am pretty sure I have had it most of my life. Waking up every day with the feeling of the flu is no joke, but I've tried to push through, be grateful (and honestly I am), and make the most of it.
That said, this past three years has been the hardest to bear. I came down with that one thing in February 2022, got the awesome long Vid, and haven't been right health-wise ever since.
The last two winters my health has taken a nose dive. When the sun leaves for the season so does my vitality. For someone like me who has a zeal for life, this has been a touch hard to bear.
Monday though, Monday was my breaking point. Last week my doc called and delivered the blow that once again my thyroid was malfunctioning (after being discovered to be working perfectly fine this past August) and trying to end me. That was hard enough to process, but then she called again with some news on Monday that has knocked me for more than a bit of a loop. I am actually wondering how I am even functioning to be honest.
My iron levels, all of them, are in barely alive range. Doc enacted some emergency measures and we are going to try to get me back up, but as the lab pattern has proven definitively over the past couple years, when the sun leaves for the year, so does my health.
So, here I am, convalescing again. For the last several nights I have been in a level of pain that is pretty not excellent, and I have had children, so let me say this is no joke. The Corg and the Void have been my constant companions, they refuse to leave my side. I usually have a good attitude about setbacks, but I am really struggling to do so this time. I am just, tired.
I have spent some time finding some destinations to go to in the winter months after the farm is put to bed in the fall, and the hubs and I are both looking forward to our new adventure, it's just I am having a bit of trouble mustering up the normal Kat existential enthusiast enthusiasm that I am known for.
We're going to blame that fatigue on my depleted ferritin.
One positive note is that all the south heading adventure time will lead to some most excellent blog posts. I really am trying to stay positive.
But honestly my dear Hive friends, I'm pretty worn out and my motivation to keep fighting is waning a bit. I'm not feeling whiny or pity party-ish, it's more of a bone weary, soul-permeating fatigue that I am sure those who have endured things of the decades long variety have felt.
But, in the end I will keep on keeping on. There are still so many things that I want to and know I have to do. Both of my offspring are and have headed off into the world to do big things, and the hubs and I, after almost twenty-six years together, are going to actually take the summer off from building and doing, and just garden together.
Between that and friend hikes into the mountains, I know I have so much to look forward too, so here's to hoping we've finally figured out what kicks my flintlocks each and every year and I can implement a solution to alleviate it!
That's what we humans do after all, isn't it 😉