Before I came to hive, I had only lost one member of my family, and 6 years on I've lost all of them. It hits hard when you think about it for a moment, and it probably gives you a sleepless night when you think ponder or reflect on it for five minutes. However, I cannot say my life has completely been bad. I was born with this disorder that makes living a battle, and 30 years on, I've survived and beaten the odds, so I won't completely say, I'm a loser. I've won in this journey of my life, and I've lost heavily too.
However, losing can lead to a mental malady, especially when you keep losing and won't catch a break. For 3 months now, I've found myself capitulating, losing my brother, and discovering I've ignored serious health concerns that come with my condition, and now I'm facing complications that need urgent medical attention, but of course, I haven't gotten this.
In the space of 6 weeks, I've done over 10 blood tests, seen several doctors, and spent a lot of money, and yet I haven't gotten any real care. It's the state of the health care and the complications that come with it, and now I'm just home, tired from everything and totally exhausted. I'm probably going to spend more money, but the health care here is tailored to take your money without really doing anything for you.
For someone who likes to tackle any problem before it becomes unsolvable, I find myself in a handicapped position, the loss of blood from the numerous blood tests is telling on me, and building up all that blood loss takes a lot. I have only cooked once in one week, and going shopping to buy things to cook, has been a problem, the fatigue and physical exhaustion are scarier, and at night it gets even lonelier. I've gone farthest away from the outside world, preferring my own isolation to any other thing.
It's colder at night these days and makes it harder to breathe, but it truly gets lonelier when I know, I could be tackling my health issues, but I'm not. I do more thinking these days and less talking, and all I do is think of solutions, without having the right access or information to help myself. It's a scary road, and I don't even know where to begin. I don't know where to start from, and it's just like waiting. I feel like I'm wasting time, but for someone who is used to being self-sufficient, I feel helpless and don't even know where to begin.
I don't have the resources to push any big treatment plan, and short-term solutions are not even possible, seeing I really do not have competent and accessible specialists. The waiting is hellish, and I've visibly lost a lot of weight, the health care here has constantly ignored all my complaints and dismissed every one of my concerns and I still don't know what to make of this. Well, I'm home and probably don't know where to go from here.
However, I'd like to thank you all, especially for the well wishes and all the encouragement
It's hard to encourage yourself when you have no positives to take, or even try to carve your own positive. At this moment, I'm short of ideas, and the anxiety builds up daily, when I get tired, I try to ramble to calm my nerves, but I can only do so much.
Interested in some more of my works
